It seems so odd to me that, at 42 years of age, I am just now beginning to learn about myself: who I am, what I believe in, what I have not been allowing my self to feel, etc. Why does it take a professional to help me figure this all out? Because I haven’t been able to do it on my own, that’s why.

At my last therapy session, I learned about something called Learned Helplessness. Yep – it was a new concept to me too; you can actually learn to be helpless. And I am not talking about the damsel that is always being tied to the railroad tracks (although she could probably use counseling as well – why does she always wind up with men that tie her to train tracks? But I digress…). This is my kind of helpless; the paralyzing can’t make a decision because I am afraid to move ahead with my life kind of helpless.

This was an actual study performed years ago by leading psychologists. Two dogs were placed in two cages, side by side. Each cage was identical with a metal floor and a lever inside. At random times, the floors of both cages were simultaneously shocked with electricity (**see note below) for an uncomfortable length of time. As you can imagine, there was quite a bit of hopping and dancing around being done by the subjects as they tried to escape the shocks coming from the floor. During the course of said hopping about, dog A accidentally tripped his lever, stopping the flow of current to both cages. In short order, dog A learned that tripping this lever would always stop the scary and painful waves radiating from the floor and would immediately hit it whenever they started. Dog B, however, never learned this lesson – even though he also had a lever and it would also stop the shocks to both cages - and eventually he just gave in to depression and just lay there and endured the pain and fear, never trying to avoid it or stop it, just waiting for it to end.

Guess which dog I am?

This was a real eye opener for me. That is basically a blue print for how I live my life. I just sit still, waiting for the pain and the fear, never knowing why it comes or what to do about it when it does. Therefore, I am paralyzed with fear of living on the whole. I have just been sitting still on the sidelines of life, dealing with the depression by not dealing with it, just waiting for it all to end.

And speaking of dog illustrations, my therapist has me write essays about my feelings on certain subjects. She had me write about what I gain from staying overweight, and what I will sacrifice by loosing it. I will put that essay on my other blog if you want to check it out. But at one point I was describing my relationship with food by using the illustration of a mistreated dog; no matter how much I abuse food – ignore it, talk bad about it, kick it to the curb, neglect it – it is always there for me, waiting to be loved, wanting to please. My therapist read that part, paused to look me dead in the eye, then re-read the section substituting “I” for “it”. I was really saying how no matter how much I am ignored, talked bad about, kicked to the curb and neglected, I am always there – waiting to be loved, wanting to please, waiting, waiting, waiting to be thrown some scrap of kindness and affection, some sort of confirmation that I exist and am worthy. I burst into tears and cried and cried; it still hits me hard as I write this and the tears well up again because it is true.

I live my whole life scared to move about in it because I am afraid I will say or do something that will offend someone, somewhere. If I say this thing, will I offend someone? If I do this thing, will my family loose respect for me? That would probably be appropriate if I was planning murder or a bank robbery, or if I planned to perform sexual favors for the entire city of New York. But these are just simple everyday things that I am thinking about. When I am waiting to make a turn into traffic, I often wonder if the driver of the car behind me is angry because I am taking too long. I have entire conversations with this person in my head about how I am just trying to be careful and that I can’t go because there are too many cars coming, etc. I find that I am constantly exhausted by this line of thinking; it affects me everywhere! At work, in the grocery store, driving on the road, talking to my friends, family, strangers. Everywhere I go and everything I do is affected by this. And it isn’t just because of my weight. I think my weight is a symptom of all the other stuff, but it just adds to the CRAZY mix. I could be packaged – for enough servings of Crazy for the whole family, just add water and stir!

So I am starting to implement some new ways into my life. It is hard to turn down the crazy and look for the lever in my cage, but I am pretty sure that I know where it is now. I just have to have the strength to reach for it. It is up to me and within my power to change this, and I am determined to do it.

**NOTE: in spite of the last paragraph, I have to submit to the crazy and add this little note. In case you are wondering, no – it does not make me happy that animals are experimented on that way. I do feel it is cruel. But – having said that – I didn’t do the experiment nor did I ask for it to be done. But it is done and there is nothing I can do about it now. So chill out.

TTFN.

Just trying to hang in there

Well, I managed to sell one of my bracelets below; I sold the one with the matching earrings! Yay! Now, if only I could sell the rest of my stuff. Oh well.

It has been colder than HECK here! Normally we are in the mid 60's at this time of year; two weeks ago it was 83; for the last week and a half we can barely break 30. We've even had a couple of inches of snow!

I decided to add another blog that will mostly deal with my weight loss journey. You can find it here, and I also added it to the right side of this blog. It will have my food journals, track my weight loss, before/after pictures, etc.

Otherwise, nothing much new going on.

TTFN.

Bracelets

Not feeling so hot this weekend; had a migraine yesterday. I was able to go see my therapist, but the migraine struck in the middle of our session, so I just came home and went to bed. Today I am just taking it easy and watching football.

Here are some bracelets I made and have just listed in my eBay store; I made them a few weeks ago and just now was able to clean off my computer desk enough to get to the scanner!

Please to enjoy:

TTFN!

Never give up on the day…

Wednesday night was a bad night; I had a binge episode and the rest of the night was one huge pity party blowout, complete with the rending of garments and the gnashing of teeth. It was spectacular in its patheticness (is that a real word?). It left its mark on me the next morning as the depression was oozing from my pores and was painfully obvious to anyone who happened to glance in my general direction. I had a really hard time keeping my composure throughout the day, and my lunch hour was spent in tears, weeping, and screaming in agony at the cosmos in general. I’m sure you get the general idea.

I had been writing my post throughout the day as I usually do, trying to capture the helplessness that I had felt the night before. It was full of accusations and finger pointing, past regrets, and general “poor me” crap and “if only” scenarios. Even in my profoundly depressed state of mind, I thought it was waaaaaaay to depressing to post! Even though I write honestly, the main goal is to be encouraging at the same time; that post would not have served any purpose at all.

My point in all of this is: sometimes good things still happen, and you don’t really realize it. Now, a few of these things that happened are nothing truly outstanding in the scheme of life. But, when you group them all together and stand back and look at the entire collection as a whole, it really changed how I felt. I didn’t really even notice them at the time they were happening, but when the BIG good thing happened at the end of the day, it made it easier to see them. Kinda like one of those pictures that are all dots, and you finally focus your eyes just right and the picture that was there all along POPS out right at you!

• I was cleaning out a really old email box for an email address that I don’t even use anymore and found a recent email advertising a sequel to my all-time favorite computer game: Zuma. I had been hoping for the last several months that eventually a sequel would be made. The email was from MSN games and said that it was $19.99 to purchase, plus I would get a 40% off coupon for the next game I purchased. When I got home and went online to purchase the game, it was actually only $14.95!
• I was looking at one of my favorite online cross-stitch websites and discovered that one of the patterns I had been eyeballing was on sale – 50% off! I bought it.
• My bankruptcy attorney called me; he had gotten together, in person, with the debt management gal and decided that he would handle my bankruptcy. He kept referring to the collection agency that is not being co-operative as “those bastards over there”. Instead of charging me his standard $1800 fee, he is only charging me $500 (after first saying he would do it for $600) and he is letting me make payments to him, AND he is not going to wait until I pay him in full to file. This will stop the judgment the collection agency filed, and instead of getting their money paid in full over time, they will now get squat.
• When I got home from work, I found my Nordic walking poles that I was sure had been stolen out of my Rodeo because I couldn’t find them. I had unloaded them from the opposite side of the truck than I normally do, and they were leaning into the corner where I couldn’t see them. I had almost bought a new pair off of eBay the other day, but they didn’t have the correct height.
• I remembered to grab my checkbook and book of stamps so I could actually MAIL my rent today, on time (instead of driving across town to my icky landlord's home to drop it off).

So, when I got up today, I said – today will be an AWESOME day. Because look how bad yesterday started out, but look how good it ended!

TTFN.

Over the shoulder boulder holder FAIL

It’s interesting what makes you happy and excited, and by the same turn can utterly disappoint you. I ordered a new bra and was so excited to get it. I am really hard on them as my lady boulders are quite, um, large. And HEAVY. It’s hard to find one that fits me comfortably, they are expensive at my size, and they are basically an all around pain in the butt to deal with. I think that they should make putting your bra on everyday an Olympic event. I am a shoe in for gold in the heavyweight division: Greco Roman wrestling style. But, I digress. This new one I ordered looked so comfortable and supportive, and not S&M scary looking either. I was waiting on pins and needles for it to come. It came yesterday. I always have stuff shipped to work so that I don’t worry about it being scuttled away off of my front door step (imagine the shock the thief would receive upon opening this prize!!). So I had to wait all day until I got home to open the package; holy pup tents, Batman! It was HUGE. I mean, seriously, even for me who expects it, it was HUGE. I excitedly whipped off my upper stuff and tried it on. Well, tried to try it on. It just didn’t fit. Extreme disappointment washed over me like a flood. Then I felt extremely stupid; I felt like the world was ending, but it was just a stupid bra that didn’t fit! Get a grip!!! I made a couple of adjustments to it and tried to wear it to work today, but it just looks awful and doesn’t feel much better. Intelligently, I had grabbed my normal one on my way out the door and stuffed it in my bag. I changed when I got to work. Tonight I will dig out the return label that came with it and send it back, and will reorder my standard ugly one. Dang!! Heavy sigh…..

Mooving on…

I have been trying to pay more attention to my eating habits. I keep waffling between being really gung-ho and apathetic about it. It is frustrating me to no end. I am trying to finish my book but when I got sick I kinda got thrown off track and am off my game a little. I am working on getting back into it. I still eat out, but not as often; and when I do I pay attention to how I am feeling – emotionally and hunger-wise – and I find I am able to order less food and be just as happy (if not happier). Take yesterday for example: I have been bringing my lunch for the last several days, but today I had to run errands during lunch so I stopped at Taco Bell. I would normally order 2-3 tacos, one burrito, and a caramel apple empanada (oooooooo, those are SO GOOD!!!) with a small drink. I always over ate and was miserable for the rest of the afternoon, not to mention the acid reflux I would have to battle down. Yesterday I ordered one burrito, an order of cinnamon twists and a small drink that I promptly left in the Rodeo and forgot to bring into the building with me when I got back to work. I was perfectly fine with that amount of food, not hungry after I ate and was satisfied all afternoon. I learned that instead of ingesting 1070-1120 calories, 47-54 grams of fat, and 104-114 grams of carbs and feeling like crap, I could ingest 620 calories, 24 grams of fat and 77 carbs and be satisfied. Now, are the lower numbers good? No, they are just lower than what I had been ingesting; they are still bad, but better than before. There are other choices that I could have made that probably would have resulted in much lower numbers and a higher quantity of food, but I am not that quick in the drive-thru line.

I also took myself out to dinner last night. All I could think about all day long was the stupid shrimp and cream cheese wonton appetizers at Montana Jack’s. I knew that if I tried to stifle that craving, I would end up eating everything in the house just to try to distract myself, so I caved. I ordered a half order of them = four little packets of heaven. I then ordered my usual BBQ chicken wrap sandwich with fries. I ate the sandwich but didn’t touch one single fry. I should have just had the appetizer and went home, but no, I feel guilty about doing that. WHY?? Why would I feel guilty about going to a restaurant and only ordering a little bit of food? Something to work on to be sure. I also ordered a piece of cheesecake, but got it to go. I was very satisfied and not at all hungry, but I wanted that stupid cheesecake.

I told you all of that just to tell you this: the cheesecake is still in my fridge, untouched. Even after the bra disappointment, and having to talk to the debt reduction service people about my problem with the collection agency, I never ate the cheesecake. I never even had the desire to eat it.

I will take my victories where I can get them.

TTFN.

A difficult decision, rather easily made...

Well, I am making plans for the future; next summer, to be more specific. I have decided that I have had my fill of independence here in Montana. I miss my family so much!! The little ones are growing up without knowing me, and it kills me. My mother is not getting any younger, and I don’t think that it is fair that my sister will bear the entire burden of caring for her if something happens to her. She plans to retire and move in with Sissy, and thus poor Sissy will be under continuous fire without relief. Les is almost the same age as Mom, so the upcoming years would be difficult for her on her own. Besides, I love my Mom and Sissy, and I want to be near them both. I yearn for their company – even though my mom usually drives me insane. Sissy and Les have always told me that if I wanted to, I was welcome to move in with them; they have a very nice four bedroom home on five acres out in Onalaska, WA, waaaaaaaay out in the North 40 Boonies. Seriously, they can’t even get cable out there. The country lands are beautiful; they can see Mt. St. Helens, Mt. Rainier, and Mt. Adams from their front property on a clear day and the skies are so full of stars at night that it is unbelievable. Les is very excited and wants me to move out there ASAP. Sissy sends me text messages every day, asking me if I am all packed up yet.

I will miss my wonderful Montana, but going “home” doesn’t mean I can’t come back here someday. Sissy and I have always wanted to go into business together; perhaps now we will be able to do it! We have always toyed with opening a “modified” restaurant; like a place that only serves breakfast and boxed lunches; or a place that only does dessert, etc. She and I are both into photography and she has taken many beautiful photos of the local area, and I keep trying to get her to make calendars and sell them at some of the local stores in the area. She is afraid to do the marketing, but I’m not! So maybe I can help her do that too.

I am a seriously compulsive list maker, so now I am making lists up the wazoo! What to put into storage and what to sell, what to sell at a garage sale and what to list on eBay, etc. We haven’t told my Mom yet because she will drive me nuts, calling me everyday – or several times a day – asking when I’m coming, what my plans are, trying to be helpful but just coming across as bat-poop crazy, etc. To be perfectly honest, I don’t know the answer to either question. I sure won’t be planning on moving before next spring. No one in their right mind would try to drive a U-Haul truck over the five mountain passes between Billings and Onalaska after October and before May. The odds for nasty driving conditions just don’t make it worth it! I really don’t want to be sitting on the side of I-90, on a mountain pass, in horizontal snow and below zero temps. No thanks. I am trying to decide if I want to store my stuff here or there; I can’t decide if I should store my piano or try to find a place for it at Sissy’s. I think I want to get rid of as much bedroom stuff as I can, and maybe I can buy the platform bed I have always wanted at the local IKEA. They have one in Portland, and they also have one in Renton, WA; so I have two stores to choose from! My bedroom has a kind of Asian flair, but I have never been able to really carry it off with the sleigh bed…

So, have you been enjoying the new season of TV shows? I have a few early favs: Community – I absolutely ADORE Joel McHale, he reminds me of Jeremy so much and he just kills me (if Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes ever grew up and because a human being, he would look like Joel McHale); Modern Family – I really like this one, and I am kind of partial to sitcoms that are filmed in “mockumentary” style, so you know I am a faithful watcher of The Office, and this season will be no different. Last night was the premiere of Flash Forward; I thought it was really well done, and this is the first drama series in a long time that I think I might actually keep watching after the pilot! I have been enjoying Glee, but I am a survivor of marching band (and band camp) in high school, so it’s pretty much a given that I can relate to the characters on the show. The Big Bang Theory is back for another season, and I am so glad!! I purchased the first season on DVD and hope to get the second season soon. Of course new seasons of Family Guy make me happy, and I can’t wait to see if The Cleveland Show will be any good. I am anticipating V and Brothers; both look good, although Brothers is being slammed by critics before it has even aired. And then there is the fabulous So You Think You Can Dance, The Biggest Loser, and all of the NFL Football I can stand (this will be the first year I have EVER cheered for the Minnesota Vikings – I love you, Brett! And for the first time in about 25 years, there is a team I hate more than the Oakland Traitors Raiders: the Philadelphia Eagles. Any team that kicks off a good, hard working guy to let a convicted felon play on their team for obscene amounts of money deserves to go 0-12 for the rest of their franchise life. Pffft.).

TTFN.

Got Cramps?

Well, as you can see, I have managed to get my weight down a little; and it makes me happy to see the number go in that general direction. Unfortunately, I am doing it the hard way – gastroenteritis. Very, very painful. To those of you out there that have suffered from this, my heart goes out to you. This is the illness I suffered from almost a year ago that caused my diabetes to be uncovered. There isn’t a whole lot that can be done for you; you just have to suffer through it until it has decided you have been punished enough and moves on. I lost two days of work this week and wasn’t sure if I would make it all day today or not. Seems like I will survive. I have some trouble standing upright, and if I move around too much the pains come back with a vengenance. Fortunately, it’s been a quiet day; not a lot of trips out to the warehouse or to the copier. I have lost about six pounds since last week – the hard way. Also, two days being completely horizontal and drinking lots of fluids have reduced my ankles and feet to normal again. YAY.

Even though I watch The Biggest Loser religiously every season, I was pretty sure I would not be watching this season (SPOILER ALERT – I will be talking about this week’s episode, so if you’ve TIVO’D it but not watched it, you may want to skip this part). There is so much yelling at the contestants by the trainers and I just can’t stand it. That, and even though they are monitored by doctors, etc. it still isn’t a very realistic way to lose weight. The contestants are put on a very low calorie/fat diet and they work out in the gym for 6-8 hours a day. I don’t even like to do things that feel GOOD for 6-8 hours a day! Of course, that is the only way they can get such dramatic results in such a short period of time; I seriously doubt that networks think we would follow these people for the 2-3 years it would normally take for these people to loose these amounts of weight. I know I would certainly get bored with it. And if I managed to be accepted onto the show, would I go? You bet your sweet bippy I would. Anyhoo I caved in last night and watched it. I was actually really glad that I did. This is the dreaded second week; the week where people lose only 1-2 lbs or actually gain, despite eating nothing and then working out until they barf up what they did eat. It’s called metabolism shock; drop 15 lbs in seven days and your body goes into WTF mode and hangs on to all the fat and calories it can with all the strength it can muster. It’s normal, and it’s incredibly frustrating. So the challenge this week was: if the group can lose a total of 150 lbs, there would be NO ELIMINATION. No one would go home! BUT, and the buts are big on this show (sorry, couldn’t resist), if the goal was not met, two people would be sent packing. The contestants were very positive and were sure they could pull it off. They went on their merry ways and started working hard. The next day, when the trainers found out, they absolutely glowed with negativity. Now, I understand that they are worried and don’t want the contestants to hype themselves up over something they could not accomplish. But what pissed me off is that the trainers were sure that they could not accomplish it. The contestants were obviously very dejected when they saw the trainers attitudes about this challenge. But they persevered. As a group they met with that celebrity chef that ambushes you in the super market and goes home with you to cook a nice meal; the blonde with the Aussie accent. He gave them a nice seminar on nutrition, etc., and at the end there was a quiz. If, as a group, they got 5 out of the 8 questions correct, they got a 15lb advantage at the weigh in; reducing their group goal from 150lbs to 135lbs. They got them right with only missing two. Hurrah! Then they did their group physical challenge which was walking from raft to raft in a baseball diamond shaped course; the “bases” separated by decreasingly wide balance beams that they had to walk on. They had to get from the home platform to the first raft, or base, as a group; they could not continue on to the next one until everyone had gotten on the first base, and so on. As soon as one person fell in the water the challenge was over. The prize for making it to the first base was another 5lb advantage at the weigh in; second base was an additional 5 lbs; third base was calls home for everyone; and the last prize for getting back to the home raft was an additional 10 lbs advantage at the weigh in. It was really tough, but everyone helped one another and they made it all the way around!! There were tears, high fives and hugs all around. It was awesome to watch. At the actual weigh in, the trainers were there complete in black leather biker jackets and long faces to match. They knew there was no way they would make the new goal of 105lbs as a group. This seemed to be confirmed with the pink team went first; Amanda only lost 4lbs and her partner lost 6. However, this was the only team that had both partners in single digits; Julio, who was the group pariah after his partner got sent home last week, proved his worth by losing an astonishing 19lbs all by himself! The orange team, with Shay who is the heaviest woman at about 450lbs, hadn’t weighed in yet and the group had already exceeded the goal weight, and everyone was safe; after they weighed in, it turns out that they beat the original goal weight by 5lbs – the group lost an incredible 155 lbs!!! I was so happy to see those stupid negative smirks get wiped off the trainers faces! This group proved that the week 2 of death could be defeated. HA! Take THAT!!! And I was so happy that not only did they actually meet the original challenge, they exceeded it. It was awesome, and not just a little encouraging. Will I be watching next week? Yeah, probably.

TTFN.