Thursday, August 12, 2010

Stop Haunting My Dreams

I dreamed about him last night. I hate it when I do. I don’t do it very often, and when it happens it takes me by surprise. It’s usually just some small, passing part of my dream and very rarely is he the main focus. Last night I dreamt I was limping along a mountain path and suddenly he was beside me, his arm wrapped around me and was almost lifting me off the ground (I am always the “thin me of my youth” in my dreams so the lifting was definitely doable for him). I kept telling him that I was OK, that he didn’t need to squeeze me that tight; he was afraid of someone seeing him holding me like that but he said that he just didn’t want to let go. It was a few dream minutes of that; then it was over.

When I awoke this morning I could still feel his arms around me, holding me tight, making me feel safe. Then I realized it was just the blanket. It made me cry; it’s making me cry right now. I’m not crying for the loss of him, specifically; it’s the loss of that feeling – that feeling of safe, of love, of affection, of protection. I always felt those things in his arms, and that is what I miss now. It makes me nuts because it always lingers with me throughout the day, sneaking up on me when I least expect it and it makes my eyes smart with tears. Pisses me off. Especially because I am not very attractive when I cry; my face gets blotchy, my nose turns bright red, and my eyes turn red, swell, and look small and beady. I look like a piglet that’s been rooting in the onion bin. Yuck. Sigh. Sniff.

He seems to turn up in my dreams most often when I am stressed or feeling anxious. This move has got me flying in the dangerous red zone of an almost constant panic attack. I am at about Defcon 2 at this stage; not a full blown melt down, but my ears are ringing all the time and I can’t seem to catch my breath. Mom is coming on the 21st (that is probably part of the problem; like 7/8th’s of it I’d say) to help me get packed up. I hope I won’t suffocate her in her sleep before she flies back on the 28th, god love her. I don’t know what I would do without her.

I have decided to go with a moving company instead of the U-Haul route; it’s just going to be so much simpler on everyone. I have one estimate from Allied ($3900) and will be getting one from Mayflower on Monday. It will take almost all of my money, but I think it will be worth it in the long run. The guy from Allied that came to my hideously unkempt house on Tuesday was awesome. He gave me all kinds of tips on the cheapest places to get boxes, getting boxes out of the dumpster from behind the bike shop on Broadwater and 19th because they are awesome for packing my framed art pictures in, etc. I wanted to adopt him.

My company has just this week started to interview potential replacements for me; we received over 150 resumes in response to the job posting. I couldn’t believe it. We started turning some of the work over to our customer service departments; the sales reps are having a really hard time letting them take over. I keep trying to convince them that if they don’t start now, it will be so much harder for everyone after I leave. It’s a learning curve for everyone.

Well, that is it for now. I’ll keep you informed and let you know if I survive my Mom’s visit.