The Sword of Damocles Is Incredibly Annoying

The time for my impending move is drawing nigh, and I am so not ready. I hope to give my notice in June and have my last day at work be July 2nd; but so much depends on my bankruptcy (which I am this close to getting filed). I really hoped to be in the attorney’s office with all my stuff by the end of last week, but of course I didn’t read all the paperwork thoroughly and I still have some stuff to round up. I hate myself for sabotaging myself at every turn; I really do want this move, and I really do want to be out of financial hot water (I have one credit card company that calls my house no less than eight times a day – no exaggeration, I have caller ID and it logs each and every call; they call me a minimum of four times between 8-9pm!!). So, all I can ask myself is WHY???

I look around the house and I just feel so incredibly overwhelmed by the prospect of having to do everything all by myself (although I feel like I NEED to accomplish this on my own to prove that I am a for sure really and truly adult). My sister will be a big help when she gets here, but the plan is to have everything pretty much ready to go (packed up, etc.) by the time she arrives. I am terrified that when she gets here, expecting to be able to load up the U-Haul the next day, absolutely nothing will be packed or clean and we will have to kill ourselves by staying up for four days straight to get it all done, and then she will be ginormously angry and disappointed with me. I have tried all kinds of tricks on my brain but so far none of them have worked. I am a compulsive and obsessive list maker, and I make “to do” lists by the thousands. So far, all that has resulted from that is another acre of forests cut down to make more paper for me to make more lists on. I have tried pretending that this is not my house, but rather the home of someone else that has hired me to clean and pack up their things for them. All that has resulted from that is the knowledge that I would never make any money at all in that line of work because I suck at it.

I feel at my most productive with I-can-do-thisness and go-forth-and-conquerousness between 9:30am-2pm. Unfortunately, I am at work when this kicks in, where there is nothing for me to do or conquer, other than keeping my chair on the floor and occasionally picking up the telephone to make sure it is still working. Even on my way home from work my head is swimming with “OK, here’s the plan. You are going to get home and do this, this, this, this, and this; and then when you are done with that you will do this, and then you will eat a healthy dinner and go to bed and get a good night’s sleep.” What actually happens is: I walk in the house, put my purse down, go pee (sometimes not in that actual order), take a good look around, sit on the couch, turn on the TV, and watch and eat crap until my contacts dry out around 10pm. Obviously, the simple solution here is to NOT TURN ON THE TV. You know it, I know it, the Efe pygmy tribe of the African rain forest knows it, and yet… It’s such a hard habit to break. I think it’s because it’s comforting, in a way. I don’t feel so alone in the house when the TV is on. Sometimes I can have it on and completely ignore it; sometimes I can put some CDs on instead and I really enjoy that. I don’t know; it’s an addiction I suppose. I wish I had friends here that would come over and help, or at least keep me company while I got some stuff done. That just kind of adds to the loneliness and helplessness feelings. Poor me; boo hoo. Whatever.

I am, however, very proud of the progress I made in the garage last weekend. I cleaned out all the garbage and moved some half-completed shelves over near the door that goes into the house; I finished putting them together and am currently using them to house items that I am gathering for the Garage Sale. I opened boxes of stuff that haven’t seen the light of day since I moved to Billings five years ago, and put them over on the Garage Sale side; I even swept up (which nearly caused my back to snap in half, but I did it!). I still have a few boxes to move around but I will work on that some more this weekend, and will hopefully have the GS over the holiday weekend. I know most experts agree that holiday weekends aren’t the best times to have sales, but I live three blocks from the lake so my street will get lots of traffic, and I have a feeling that more people will be sticking closer to home this Memorial Day weekend due to economics, gas prices, etc. And if not, that’s OK. I’ll just have another one right before I move anyway to get rid of the lawn mower, leaf blower, etc. I’m not doing it for the money – I just want to get rid of the stuff!

Having written about all of this, I feel better. I think I may actually be able to go home and accomplish something tonight (yes, I write my blog while I’m at work. You thought I was kidding about checking the phone to see if it worked, huh?). I have actually been waking up earlier in the mornings lately – probably due to sunlight hitting my unaccustomed eyelids and those damn birds being so damn happy and loud outside my bedroom window – and today was no exception. I actually managed to get up and take a shower, get dressed, round up my healthy lunch, AND hit McD’s for breakfast (get off me; it fits in with my eating plan so LAY OFF). I even had extra time to slap on some eyeliner and mascara this morning. I am sure the guys here at work are all wondering why I’m all dolled up since normally they are lucky that my hair is combed and I have all my clothes on. Hopefully the energetic feeling I have now will last for a while after I get home. Because at 7pm, the TV goes on for sure; gotta watch Community and The Office! Gotta get a life!! Get off me. Pfft.

TTFN.