OMG – where has this book been all of my life? Apparently just lying in wait, waiting for me to be in the right place to go searching for it. As I read, I sometimes wonder where I would be now if I had read this book a year ago; five years ago; 10 years ago! But, it doesn’t do any good to wonder, so I stop. I have already put into play a few of the key points I have learned so far, and I feel good. Uh, really pretty good, in fact. I have actually managed to eat at one of my “user” restaurants, eat only half of what I would have normally eaten, took the other half home and didn’t even eat it at all (as opposed to eating it in the car in my driveway after the five minute drive home, or perhaps an hour or so later while watching TV in bed). I can’t tell you the last time I have done that. I usually waddle from the restaurant, wanting to throw up or in physical pain in my gut because I have stuffed so much food into my stomach that it hurts to contort myself into my driver’s seat and hook my seatbelt. I am often out of breath after I eat, probably because my stomach is so packed with food that it is filling my chest cavity and inhibiting my lungs from working properly. Sad picture, isn’t it? Well, it’s the truth. I also managed to order pizza yesterday without any anger or frustration or self-loathing involved, although there was some boredom. However, instead of ordering a 16” extra-large with two chocolate lava cakes for dessert, I ordered one 10” with a soda. I found that even this ridiculously tiny (in my eyes) pizza filled my stomach to capacity – which I thought only a large pizza could do. I was full by the time I ate half, but had to finish it because the voice in my head said I had to (that is Harriet; more on that later), but otherwise would have been happy to stop right then. Who knew? I did; I just chose to ignore. Silly girl.
I am now on page 79 (of 265) of Shrink Yourself and have learned a lot of very eye opening stuff. For those of you who follow this blog who do not have problems with food (or perhaps just think that you don’t), I still highly recommend this book. Some people do have problems with abusing food, but don’t have trouble with their weight. This book can still help you to change your feelings and relationship with food. I promise – no one is paying me to say that I really recommend reading it. Look for it at your local public library if you don’t want to purchase it. I was going to let Sissy read mine when I finished it, but I have a feeling I’m not going to want to let it go.
I have learned that I have feeling phobias. I never would have thought that was true! I have lots of feelings, and thought that because I considered myself an “emotional” person, that meant that I was in touch with them, albeit in perhaps a not-so-healthy way. As humans, we are “meaning-hungry creatures. We make everything mean something.” That is me to a “T”. If someone doesn’t return my voice mail or email, then they are mad at me or I have done something wrong or they just don’t care about me (even though I know none of these things are true). These misinterpretations make simple feelings feel like more than they really are. There are also things called “Catastrophe Predictions”. You can probably figure out what those are; it’s like snow in Oregon. It’s not the snow itself that is scary to people, it’s the worst-case scenario predictions that people come up with that scare them. Schools are closed, Trail Blazer games get cancelled, and people leave work at 2pm to get home before the roads get bad. All for a few flakes of snow. I liked one of the sentences in one of the paragraphs under this heading: “When you come to the place where you’re feeling powerless for just a moment, you believe on some level that eating is the only option you really have to make yourself feel better, and that otherwise that moment will become an eternity.” Welcome to my life. However, I have learned that I use food to push away negative feelings that I don’t want to deal with. I use food as an over-the-counter tranquilizer. When I am bingeing, I feel content and secure. I am not thinking about anything else – this is called the trance. It is a very appropriate way to describe how I feel when I binge; I am not thinking about the horrible day I had, or how much I hate my job or how lonely I am, all I am thinking about is how delicious the food tastes and how quickly it will be gone. I have now learned that I “have to remember that you need to master the feeling phobia and food trance in order to understand the deeper issues that make you feel powerless.”
Anyway, I have learned something about my conscience. I always thought that your conscience was your guide, and it is. However, there is more than one kind of conscience, and one of mine – called the critical conscience - is a real sick Nazi bitch. She uses every opportunity to get me down, kick me repeatedly and viciously while I am down, and then uses every tactic to keep me down if I show any sign of trying to get back up. She tells me I am worthless, stupid, fat, ugly, unlovable, unforgivable, and will never attain any goal I set for myself; she loves to see me as a helpless, lonely, and hopeless victim. See? I told you she was a bitch. The worst part? I believe her. Utterly and completely. Why???
The book recommends giving your self-critical voice a name, like Harriet. “Even though you’re an intelligent, self-contained, functioning adult, Harriet has a lot of power.” Sometimes the critical voice is just background noise, but sometimes it’s like she is screaming through a bull horn, and I feel like others can hear her, and they agree with her. There have been times when I am in the grocery store, wavering between what I want to eat and what I know I should eat, and her voice is so loud and confusing that I leave the store in tears, half full shopping cart (or an empty one) stranded in an aisle. I have sat in restaurants full of people and families, trying to keep it together while she pokes me in my broken ribs (from some earlier assault) with her Nazi stiletto pointed toe black leather boots, telling me how I will never, ever have anyone in my life and I will always be alone and unloved. She is the one that tells me that I must keep eating, even when I can feel that I am full (and sometimes in physical pain), because there are starving children in (insert impoverished country of your choice here), or because it will be a waste of money if I don't. I am powerless to tell her to shut the hell up, mostly because she was a nameless, faceless captor of my psyche. Well, no more. Her name is Harriet – or whatever I tell her her name is – and the fact that I have now taken her down a peg by naming her gives me some power! You may scoff, but it actually works. Now when I hear her start to go to town on me, I can say SHUT THE HELL UP, HARRIET!! I sometimes say it out loud. And you know what? She does. I think that sometimes I can even hear her sputtering and looking for some sort of response, but by then I have moved on and left her in the dust, kicking at air. HA! Take that.
Well, this is getting wordy, so I will leave you with this for now. I will write again later to give you more updates on how I am doing with this. Nothing much else in life is happening right now. But maybe that will change too.
TTFN.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
I feel better now...
OK, I am feeling better than I was when I wrote my last post; but I had to wait until today to feel good enough to actually post something.
After reading the sage advise I found in that book, I could not help but feel...overwhelmed. Panicky. Totally and completely freaked out. Which was probably why it was a good thing that I read it. This is probably how people feel when they are hit with an intervention for their drug or alcohol abuse. It is everything that you know to be true, right, and sound; but it is everything that you don't want to hear. I know that I am an emotional eater, and my mom has been telling me for YEARS that I should stay away from flour and wheat (something else Mom was right about. Dammit!). When I was a child, she said that my head and hair smelled weird, but when she took me off of wheat it was normal. And I remember the hellish times when she took me off of the wheat products - it was horrible!! But I was a kid then, and other kids tend to make fun of you when you have a sandwich in your lunch with no bread, and other "weird" "health food" "freak of nature" type foods in your Charlie Brown lunchbox (maybe it was the lunchbox that was the problem?). I am an adult now, and I fully understand that life is unfair, and sometimes you have to suck it up and do things that are unpleasant for your own good. No one will laugh at my lunches now (and I am sure that no longer carrying around the Charlie Brown lunchbox will help that as well) so there should be no issues. Right? RIGHT??? Well... The problem is that everything I like to eat has sugar, flour or wheat products in it (yeah, and that is why you are FAT!) (Can someone please shut this voice up? Thank you.) and if I eliminate all of them, then I will have nothing to eat at all and my life will be joyless and empty.
Oh...wait...right.
My life is already joyless and empty because I hate myself for allowing my weight to be so out of control. That's right. I forgot.
But the more I thought about what I should do the angrier I got. On top of the panic I felt by the anticipation of having to cut all the foods that I love and cannot live without, I was feeling put out with someone I care about, I had a crappy day at work, and since I have been home from vacation I have been so homesick that I am "this close" to calling U-Haul to rent a truck and move back to Oregon. All of that just accumulated until I was feeling TRAPPED BY EVERYTHING - people, employment, finances, all of it and I just wanted to SCREAM!!! I threw the mail all over the living room and stomped around a little bit. Then I sat at my computer, pulled up the Domino's website, and angrily ordered a medium deep dish pizza and two lava cakes (omg - they are the DEVIL). Oh, and a Coke Zero. Lord knows I don't want to add any extra calories to this love fest if I don't have too! (It is soooo ironic; when I was a teenager I worked for a deli owned by the parents of a school friend of mine [the Stovepipe Deli, Livermore, CA] with a bunch of my other friends from school. We used to laugh when overweight people came in, ordered the biggest and fattiest sandwiches we made along with a Diet Coke. We thought it was the dumbest thing we ever saw. Karma's a bitch.) When it arrived, I ate all of it in about a 20 minute time span. Oh man, do I need help. And the worst part of this behavior is that I know it's bad, I know that I am punishing myself for other people's behavior towards me, but I still can't stop myself. It makes me feel helpless and hopeless.
Late last night, after the guilt and the pain had subsided some, I picked up my other new book that I bought before I left for vacation and started to read it. I wish I had read it FIRST. (Please see the right hand column for info.) The first book was very good and extremely important for me to read, but it was very cut and dry, no funny business, and cut straight to the heart of the matter in a rather un-empathetic and clinical way. This new book is written by a therapist instead of a clinical doctor, and it appeals to me very much. One of the paragraphs in the introduction, under the header of "How Does the Book Work?", really spoke to me and the work I am trying to do on myself: Once I began to explore the question of powerlessness as related to weight, I realized that powerlessness over the urge to eat was simply a superficial layer of powerlessness. It actually covered up for five other ways that people felt powerless in their lives. People feel powerless when they doubt themselves, when they feel frustrated, when they feel vulnerable or unsafe, when they feel rebellious or angry, and when they feel empty. Yep. That sentence should have been followed by an 8x10 glossy of me. That is EXACTLY why I ate that pizza last night. I felt powerless, frustrated, angry and empty. Four out of five. Some days it's all five, and some days it's all five plus eleven more. Sometimes it's only one of those reasons, but just one is enough to send me running for food. Well, not running exactly. But you get the idea.
I look forward to reading the rest of this book, hopefully over the weekend. I will keep you posted (no blog pun intended) on my progress. I hope that, if there is just one person out there that reads this blog and suffers from food addiction like I do, you will find that you are not alone and perhaps you can start your own road to recovery too. Life is too short to suffer like this, and suffering like this will only make it shorter.
Until later, TTFN.
After reading the sage advise I found in that book, I could not help but feel...overwhelmed. Panicky. Totally and completely freaked out. Which was probably why it was a good thing that I read it. This is probably how people feel when they are hit with an intervention for their drug or alcohol abuse. It is everything that you know to be true, right, and sound; but it is everything that you don't want to hear. I know that I am an emotional eater, and my mom has been telling me for YEARS that I should stay away from flour and wheat (something else Mom was right about. Dammit!). When I was a child, she said that my head and hair smelled weird, but when she took me off of wheat it was normal. And I remember the hellish times when she took me off of the wheat products - it was horrible!! But I was a kid then, and other kids tend to make fun of you when you have a sandwich in your lunch with no bread, and other "weird" "health food" "freak of nature" type foods in your Charlie Brown lunchbox (maybe it was the lunchbox that was the problem?). I am an adult now, and I fully understand that life is unfair, and sometimes you have to suck it up and do things that are unpleasant for your own good. No one will laugh at my lunches now (and I am sure that no longer carrying around the Charlie Brown lunchbox will help that as well) so there should be no issues. Right? RIGHT??? Well... The problem is that everything I like to eat has sugar, flour or wheat products in it (yeah, and that is why you are FAT!) (Can someone please shut this voice up? Thank you.) and if I eliminate all of them, then I will have nothing to eat at all and my life will be joyless and empty.
Oh...wait...right.
My life is already joyless and empty because I hate myself for allowing my weight to be so out of control. That's right. I forgot.
But the more I thought about what I should do the angrier I got. On top of the panic I felt by the anticipation of having to cut all the foods that I love and cannot live without, I was feeling put out with someone I care about, I had a crappy day at work, and since I have been home from vacation I have been so homesick that I am "this close" to calling U-Haul to rent a truck and move back to Oregon. All of that just accumulated until I was feeling TRAPPED BY EVERYTHING - people, employment, finances, all of it and I just wanted to SCREAM!!! I threw the mail all over the living room and stomped around a little bit. Then I sat at my computer, pulled up the Domino's website, and angrily ordered a medium deep dish pizza and two lava cakes (omg - they are the DEVIL). Oh, and a Coke Zero. Lord knows I don't want to add any extra calories to this love fest if I don't have too! (It is soooo ironic; when I was a teenager I worked for a deli owned by the parents of a school friend of mine [the Stovepipe Deli, Livermore, CA] with a bunch of my other friends from school. We used to laugh when overweight people came in, ordered the biggest and fattiest sandwiches we made along with a Diet Coke. We thought it was the dumbest thing we ever saw. Karma's a bitch.) When it arrived, I ate all of it in about a 20 minute time span. Oh man, do I need help. And the worst part of this behavior is that I know it's bad, I know that I am punishing myself for other people's behavior towards me, but I still can't stop myself. It makes me feel helpless and hopeless.
Late last night, after the guilt and the pain had subsided some, I picked up my other new book that I bought before I left for vacation and started to read it. I wish I had read it FIRST. (Please see the right hand column for info.) The first book was very good and extremely important for me to read, but it was very cut and dry, no funny business, and cut straight to the heart of the matter in a rather un-empathetic and clinical way. This new book is written by a therapist instead of a clinical doctor, and it appeals to me very much. One of the paragraphs in the introduction, under the header of "How Does the Book Work?", really spoke to me and the work I am trying to do on myself: Once I began to explore the question of powerlessness as related to weight, I realized that powerlessness over the urge to eat was simply a superficial layer of powerlessness. It actually covered up for five other ways that people felt powerless in their lives. People feel powerless when they doubt themselves, when they feel frustrated, when they feel vulnerable or unsafe, when they feel rebellious or angry, and when they feel empty. Yep. That sentence should have been followed by an 8x10 glossy of me. That is EXACTLY why I ate that pizza last night. I felt powerless, frustrated, angry and empty. Four out of five. Some days it's all five, and some days it's all five plus eleven more. Sometimes it's only one of those reasons, but just one is enough to send me running for food. Well, not running exactly. But you get the idea.
I look forward to reading the rest of this book, hopefully over the weekend. I will keep you posted (no blog pun intended) on my progress. I hope that, if there is just one person out there that reads this blog and suffers from food addiction like I do, you will find that you are not alone and perhaps you can start your own road to recovery too. Life is too short to suffer like this, and suffering like this will only make it shorter.
Until later, TTFN.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I want to be well. I want to recover from this disease I have of food addiction. The time is right, let's do it. Felt positive yet very apprehensive as I finished reading my book on food addiction today, because now i have the knowledge to do what i need to do, but i am scared to fail. Needed to go to the grocery store on my way home for baking soda as my refrigerator smells like there is a decomposing horse in it. I remember from my reading that to succeed and start my road to recovery I will need to eliminate all sugar, flour and wheat from what I eat. She (the author) recommends glowingly Paul Newman's Own line of salad dressings. I decide to check them out while in the store to see what yummy concoctions he has in store for me. Bottle after bottle, flavor after flavor I turn eagerly, then with growing apprehension, to the list of ingredients. Bottle after bottle, flavor after flavor, sugar. sugar. sugar. sugar. Even the bloody oil and vinegar has stupid bloody sugar in it. Not one of the salad dressings could be in my home. What the hell was this author talking about??? Oh yeah. The book was written in 1993. Apparently Mr. Newman succumbed to the screaming food addicts in the world and added sugar to his salad dressings since then.
Suddenly, everything in the store seemed off limits. I became extremely overwhelmed as item after item that i grabbed randomly from the shelves seemed to scream I HAVE SUGAR IN ME - YOU CAN NEVER EAT ME! Tears began to well up in my eyes as i immediately began the cycle of self-pity and self-loathing that haunts my every waking minute as i try to deal with food. I managed to keep it together while paying for my baking soda and chicken wings, but burst into tears when i hit the parking lot. People pretended not to see the sobbing 325 lb 5'2" bleached blond obviously psychopathic blob wobbling her way to her vehicle. I cried all the way to my empty home with the smelly fridge. I felt like a recovering drug addict forced to find the small scraps of sobriety among aisle after aisle, row after row, shelf upon shelf upon shelf of crack pipes. I know you think i am being ridiculous, a drama queen; but i assure you this is my life. If you don't have a problem with it then you cannot understand it. You are not addicted to something you MUST ingest every single day of your life, several times a day in fact, in order to live.
When i got home i was tempted to just leave the truck running as i closed the garage door.
But i didn't.
And i will live to try again tomorrow.
TTFN.
Suddenly, everything in the store seemed off limits. I became extremely overwhelmed as item after item that i grabbed randomly from the shelves seemed to scream I HAVE SUGAR IN ME - YOU CAN NEVER EAT ME! Tears began to well up in my eyes as i immediately began the cycle of self-pity and self-loathing that haunts my every waking minute as i try to deal with food. I managed to keep it together while paying for my baking soda and chicken wings, but burst into tears when i hit the parking lot. People pretended not to see the sobbing 325 lb 5'2" bleached blond obviously psychopathic blob wobbling her way to her vehicle. I cried all the way to my empty home with the smelly fridge. I felt like a recovering drug addict forced to find the small scraps of sobriety among aisle after aisle, row after row, shelf upon shelf upon shelf of crack pipes. I know you think i am being ridiculous, a drama queen; but i assure you this is my life. If you don't have a problem with it then you cannot understand it. You are not addicted to something you MUST ingest every single day of your life, several times a day in fact, in order to live.
When i got home i was tempted to just leave the truck running as i closed the garage door.
But i didn't.
And i will live to try again tomorrow.
TTFN.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I WILL NOT PANIC…
So, I am reading one of my new books that I ordered before I went on vacation – Food Addiction, The Body Knows – and I am trying to retain a positive attitude. What I really want to do is to run screaming into the streets, “I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO EAT NORMALLY AGAIN! I WILL NEVER BE WELL!!!” Ahem. I know this is not true, or even accurate, but SHEESH. This gal is taking forever to get to the positive part of the book!! Basically, in a nut shell so to speak, the culprits are sugar and wheat. Cut out processed foods, sugar, flour and all things made with these things and you can recover. And that leaves me basically…what? Beef jerky and water? I know it isn’t really that severe; but as my logical brain (yes, I do have one, shut up) reads and absorbs this information, my emotional brain is screaming BUT THAT IS ALL THE FOODS YOU LOVE!! YOU WILL NEVER GET TO EAT ANYTHING YOU LIKE EVER AGAIN!!! And that actually may not be too terribly far from the truth, actually. Basically, it’s like being addicted to drugs or alcohol; once you abstain and go into recovery, you can never go back to having “just a little cocaine/heroin/bourbon every once in a while”. Just the smallest portion of what you are addicted to causes relapse and continuing addiction, and then you have to start the recovery process all over again. I have to choose how I want to live my life or how I want to continue slowly killing myself. I don’t want to die, I want to LIVE; and not EXIST like I am doing and have been doing for the last 25 years, but truly and completely LIVE.
Sigh…it’s going to be hard. REALLY hard. But the book makes a lot of sense, and I know that everything worth having is worth working REALLY hard for. 25 years of abuse is going to take a lot of time to undo. And I really do want to.
But, can’t I just take a pill for it? No? Ok…sigh…
I thought it was rather ironic that as I sat in the parking lot of my favorite Mexican restaurant, reading about food addiction as I prepared to go in and spend a little quality time with one of my “dealers”, I was crying because just reading about the things that feed my addiction made me WANT TO EAT THEM. Will I be strong enough to learn about my addiction and how to recover without shooting myself in the foot? We shall see.
Maybe I should pitch my story to TLC or A&E; aren’t weight loss and addiction shows all the rage right now? They could have both all rolled into one, and maybe I could earn some money for school (since I am not willing to have a ton of kids and pimp them out for the world to gawk at). What do you think? And do you know someone I could call?
TTFN.
Sigh…it’s going to be hard. REALLY hard. But the book makes a lot of sense, and I know that everything worth having is worth working REALLY hard for. 25 years of abuse is going to take a lot of time to undo. And I really do want to.
But, can’t I just take a pill for it? No? Ok…sigh…
I thought it was rather ironic that as I sat in the parking lot of my favorite Mexican restaurant, reading about food addiction as I prepared to go in and spend a little quality time with one of my “dealers”, I was crying because just reading about the things that feed my addiction made me WANT TO EAT THEM. Will I be strong enough to learn about my addiction and how to recover without shooting myself in the foot? We shall see.
Maybe I should pitch my story to TLC or A&E; aren’t weight loss and addiction shows all the rage right now? They could have both all rolled into one, and maybe I could earn some money for school (since I am not willing to have a ton of kids and pimp them out for the world to gawk at). What do you think? And do you know someone I could call?
TTFN.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Back from vacation...sigh...
Well, I made it back. It was really, REALLY, hard this time to come home. It's always hard, but it was especially hard this time.
I had an awesome time at the party; little worries and concerns that I had myself all worked up about (like the inevitable question: When are you going to get married?) never came up. I adore my family; there were ex-spouses and ex-in laws in abundance, but everyone gets along - and not in that fake plastic way either where you can still smell the tension in the air, and all it would take is a small spark to set everything off. Nope, everyone is genuinely happy to see one another and had a great time celebrating Jeremy and Erika's 10th wedding anniversary. It. Was. AWESOME. Jeremy's cousin Amber put together a fabulous Hawaiian Luau party that was beyond our wildest expectations. She should do parties for a living! She had fresh orchids EVERYWHERE, and authentic leis for Jeremy and Erika, which you can see below in this portrait I took on site:
Don't they look great? Such a hot couple.Sis and I made cupcakes up the wazoo - vanilla with pink vanilla butter cream frosting, chocolate with sinfully rich chocolate butter cream frosting, Mimosa (orange juice and champagne) cupcakes with champagne frosting - and Sis also made a Pink Champagne cake. Amber was having a chocolate Kahlua cake and a Pina Colada cake made, but the guy making them backed out at the last minute. Jerk. Oh well - we got cakes from Costco which were fabulous and decorated them with the left over orchids, etc. There were BBQ meatballs, Teriyaki soba noodles, fruit salad and a ton of other food - all of it was home made and fabulous. Jeremy's sisters and Amber also hired real hula dancers to perform!
I was able to take lots of family pictures for all sides of the family attending; I set up a small portable portrait "studio" and invited any and all to have pictures taken. It was really great to feel like I was contributing something; it was especially poignant as Amber's father was recently diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease - or ALS - and we don't know when we would have had a better opportunity to get group pictures with him.
Here is one of my three gorgeous kids (OK, Sis's gorgeous kids):
From left to right: Reanna, Jeremy, Alisha.
Here is a group photo of Mom, Sis, and all of the family generated just through the two of them!
From left to right, back row: Brock Palmer, Zac Brown, Jeremy Seals, Kyrell Seals. Middle row: Alisha Palmer, Reanna Brown, Shirley Hotchkiss, Karen Buckman, Erika Seals. Front row: Hannah Morris, Taelynn Palmer, Emily Brown, Alexander Brown, Kieran Seals, Kaya Seals.
I even allowed Reanna to take a picture of me with Mom and Sis:
I think my mom looks awesome for being 73, having two children over 40, three grandchildren over 30, and seven great-grandchildren!
Well, I think that is all for now; it's 10pm and I have to go back to work tomorrow. Sigh. I will blog about my vacation in stages so I don't bore anyone to tears!
TTFN.
Monday, July 27, 2009
I think I'm starting to figure it out...
I have an addiction problem. My drug of choice may come as a surprise to some, but probably not to others. It is…food.
Food addiction is a real, clinical, factual addiction. It has all of the same triggers and deep rooted emotional causes as heroin, cocaine, and other drug addictions and alcoholism. It is just not very widely diagnosed as such because we are dealing with, well FOOD – something every person on this planet ingests, even children - not drugs or alcohol where abuse can be much more obvious and they are not consumed by every person on the planet.
Many people feel that saying you can be addicted to food is preposterous. “That is like saying you are addicted to water, or air!” Yes, it may sound ridiculous, and it may just sound like an excuse for why I am morbidly obese. And it is easy for people who do not have a problem with food or addictive behavior to say, “Just eat less and take some exercise. That is all you need to do.” Well, that may be all YOU need to do, but that does not work for me. It is like telling a heroin addict to just stop doing heroin. Um, yeah; that doesn’t really work for most people. Some people may say, “It can’t be an addiction. You can’t overdose and die from food!” Wanna bet? What do you think morbid or super morbid obesity is? It is a case of constant overdosing. No, we don’t die immediately like you might with drugs; it is a slightly slower process. However, massive strokes and heart attacks can occur following binge eating. And they can occur at anytime for anyone that is obese.
I have been paying particular attention to my eating patterns over the last several weeks, trying understand just what the heck is wrong with me; why can’t I just STOP EATING?? I made mental notes and talked about them with my therapist this weekend. She agrees with my “armchair diagnosis”; I have all the patterns of someone with addictive and somewhat obsessive behavior. I also have many of the emotional earmarks from childhood and early adulthood that can lead to this type of behavior later in life.
I want to make it perfectly clear from the outset that I had a very happy and healthy childhood. I was never physically or sexually abused in any way. I loved my parents very much and they loved me; I didn’t even have any sibling rivalry to deal with as my sister has been my best friend literally from birth – she even physically saved my life on at least one occasion. So what exactly were my problems then? I will say that I lived in a very restricted home. My mom was very over-protective to the point of being smothering, while my father was the one who would finally step in and make her back off. My mom and I did have major issues over my eating habits. I was a very picky eater; I hated vegetables or anything resembling them, and I didn’t like to try anything new. I vividly remember sitting at the dinner table, in the dark, until bedtime because there was uneaten or untried food still left on my plate. This was usually a weekly occurrence. My therapist identified that type of controlling behavior as a cornerstone to building an eating disorder. (I was very disturbed to hear her say that, as I had once used that same controlling method on one of my nieces when she refused to eat fish sticks one night. I even copied my mother’s behavior in going so far as to serve them to her for breakfast the following morning, so of course she then went to school that day without breakfast. Alisha – I am so sorry.) I also remember a particular episode involving peas. I had been given vitamins in pill form from an early age, so I had no trouble swallowing things whole. I hated peas with a vengeance, and one night had the brilliant idea of just swallowing them down with a glass of milk. It was the perfect solution! I didn’t have to taste them, and mom would be satisfied that I ate them. When she discovered what I was doing, she insisted that I “chew them up!” I tried faking her out by putting them in the center of my mouth and making chewing motions; this didn’t work because she could hear my teeth clacking together. I pleaded with her, asking her what difference did it make whether they were whole or chewed? But, once again, it was a control issue, and so I sat in the dark until bedtime again with a plate of cold peas. One time even my dear father got in on the act. Sweet potatoes are my nemesis; ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you that I cannot even be in the house when they are being cooked. You could put a million dollars in front of me and tell me all I had to do to earn it was eat one forkful of sweet potato, and I would not be able to do it. Now on the other hand, pumpkin pie is one my most treasured treats (I think some of you may know where I am going with this). In trying to get me to eat some sweet potato pie, my father told me it was pumpkin pie. (insert sound of chirping crickets here) As a child, my father was a saint in my eyes and could never do any wrong; however, to this day I have never forgiven him for that.
So, you may be reading this and be thinking, “Big deal. So your mom made you eat vegetables that you didn’t like, and your dad pulled the oldest trick in the book. You poor baby. People live in other countries without food and you are whining about being made to eat.” I understand your reasoning, but you are missing the real point. Food was being used in these circumstances as a way to control my behavior. As a result, family meals for me became very trying and stressful. I felt I was always walking a fine line between making my mother very angry at me, which resulted in my father being very angry with my mother. I was always afraid of what might be on my plate that I wouldn’t like, and how I was going to deal with the situation.
The only time I really felt any freedom from the stress of eating as a family is when we went out to a restaurant for dinner. There I was usually free to choose my own food, and if there was anything I didn’t like I was free to leave it on my plate as my mother would never risk a confrontation in public. I would get some accusing glares from her which threatened severe discipline once we got home, but it was still worth it to me.
Hmmm…even as I write these things, I feel I understand myself a little better. I will write more in my next entry, as this one is getting pretty long.
TTFN.
Food addiction is a real, clinical, factual addiction. It has all of the same triggers and deep rooted emotional causes as heroin, cocaine, and other drug addictions and alcoholism. It is just not very widely diagnosed as such because we are dealing with, well FOOD – something every person on this planet ingests, even children - not drugs or alcohol where abuse can be much more obvious and they are not consumed by every person on the planet.
Many people feel that saying you can be addicted to food is preposterous. “That is like saying you are addicted to water, or air!” Yes, it may sound ridiculous, and it may just sound like an excuse for why I am morbidly obese. And it is easy for people who do not have a problem with food or addictive behavior to say, “Just eat less and take some exercise. That is all you need to do.” Well, that may be all YOU need to do, but that does not work for me. It is like telling a heroin addict to just stop doing heroin. Um, yeah; that doesn’t really work for most people. Some people may say, “It can’t be an addiction. You can’t overdose and die from food!” Wanna bet? What do you think morbid or super morbid obesity is? It is a case of constant overdosing. No, we don’t die immediately like you might with drugs; it is a slightly slower process. However, massive strokes and heart attacks can occur following binge eating. And they can occur at anytime for anyone that is obese.
I have been paying particular attention to my eating patterns over the last several weeks, trying understand just what the heck is wrong with me; why can’t I just STOP EATING?? I made mental notes and talked about them with my therapist this weekend. She agrees with my “armchair diagnosis”; I have all the patterns of someone with addictive and somewhat obsessive behavior. I also have many of the emotional earmarks from childhood and early adulthood that can lead to this type of behavior later in life.
I want to make it perfectly clear from the outset that I had a very happy and healthy childhood. I was never physically or sexually abused in any way. I loved my parents very much and they loved me; I didn’t even have any sibling rivalry to deal with as my sister has been my best friend literally from birth – she even physically saved my life on at least one occasion. So what exactly were my problems then? I will say that I lived in a very restricted home. My mom was very over-protective to the point of being smothering, while my father was the one who would finally step in and make her back off. My mom and I did have major issues over my eating habits. I was a very picky eater; I hated vegetables or anything resembling them, and I didn’t like to try anything new. I vividly remember sitting at the dinner table, in the dark, until bedtime because there was uneaten or untried food still left on my plate. This was usually a weekly occurrence. My therapist identified that type of controlling behavior as a cornerstone to building an eating disorder. (I was very disturbed to hear her say that, as I had once used that same controlling method on one of my nieces when she refused to eat fish sticks one night. I even copied my mother’s behavior in going so far as to serve them to her for breakfast the following morning, so of course she then went to school that day without breakfast. Alisha – I am so sorry.) I also remember a particular episode involving peas. I had been given vitamins in pill form from an early age, so I had no trouble swallowing things whole. I hated peas with a vengeance, and one night had the brilliant idea of just swallowing them down with a glass of milk. It was the perfect solution! I didn’t have to taste them, and mom would be satisfied that I ate them. When she discovered what I was doing, she insisted that I “chew them up!” I tried faking her out by putting them in the center of my mouth and making chewing motions; this didn’t work because she could hear my teeth clacking together. I pleaded with her, asking her what difference did it make whether they were whole or chewed? But, once again, it was a control issue, and so I sat in the dark until bedtime again with a plate of cold peas. One time even my dear father got in on the act. Sweet potatoes are my nemesis; ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you that I cannot even be in the house when they are being cooked. You could put a million dollars in front of me and tell me all I had to do to earn it was eat one forkful of sweet potato, and I would not be able to do it. Now on the other hand, pumpkin pie is one my most treasured treats (I think some of you may know where I am going with this). In trying to get me to eat some sweet potato pie, my father told me it was pumpkin pie. (insert sound of chirping crickets here) As a child, my father was a saint in my eyes and could never do any wrong; however, to this day I have never forgiven him for that.
So, you may be reading this and be thinking, “Big deal. So your mom made you eat vegetables that you didn’t like, and your dad pulled the oldest trick in the book. You poor baby. People live in other countries without food and you are whining about being made to eat.” I understand your reasoning, but you are missing the real point. Food was being used in these circumstances as a way to control my behavior. As a result, family meals for me became very trying and stressful. I felt I was always walking a fine line between making my mother very angry at me, which resulted in my father being very angry with my mother. I was always afraid of what might be on my plate that I wouldn’t like, and how I was going to deal with the situation.
The only time I really felt any freedom from the stress of eating as a family is when we went out to a restaurant for dinner. There I was usually free to choose my own food, and if there was anything I didn’t like I was free to leave it on my plate as my mother would never risk a confrontation in public. I would get some accusing glares from her which threatened severe discipline once we got home, but it was still worth it to me.
Hmmm…even as I write these things, I feel I understand myself a little better. I will write more in my next entry, as this one is getting pretty long.
TTFN.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Heather and Ollie drive the Beartooth Hwy
Last Sunday Ollie and I took a lovely drive on the Beartooth Hwy. It is about 75 south of Billings, through Red Lodge and into Wyoming. The summit is 10,980' and change - 400' below the tip of Mt. Hood in Oregon. The drive is breathtakingly gorgeous from both directions, and the air is soooooooo clean - I wish I could bottle it up and take it home. There were lots of motorcycles on the highway; it's very popular with large groups and individuals alike. We stopped about 3/4 of the way up the pass at an overlook to take a few pictures and use the potties. Please to enjoy:
The little chipmunk was so cute, and it wasn't until I was focusing on him that I realized he was eating...a fly. Yep, wings and legs were just spinning off in every direction while he nibbled on him. Therapy anyone? We continued on down the other side of the pass and headed towards Cooke City. We couldn't afford to go into Yellowstone Park, so we found a cool little turn out called Flume Trail about five minutes outside of Cooke City and turned around there. Here are a few pics from that spot:
Lots of people had their four-legged family members along with them to enjoy the day; I loved this doggie's daisy bandana, so I had to get a snap of it (and her owner's particularly nice hiney managed to sneak it's way in there too - oops!). As we drove out of the parking area, the owner of the cute rear...err...uh...doggie waved to us as Ollie and I blushed, smiled, and waved back like idiots. On our way back onto the highway, we spotted this waterfall - the first picture is how it looked from the road, then there is a close up on it:
We had such a nice day. The mosquitos were HORRIBLE as they are that time of year (so I found out afterwards while talking with a co-worker) and Ollie and I looked like we had the chicken pox the next day with all the bites. We stopped at the Top Of The World Store and I was standing in line to use the potty with nine other people, and each of us had our very own cloud of not less than 30 mosquitos swarming around us. West Nile Virus anyone?We then arrived back in Red Lodge and went to the candy store (shut up). We then cruised around town so that Ollie could snap some pictures of this quaint old mountain town to send home her to family. We spotted what promised to be an extra bad action rock and gem store and got out to investigate. Well, I should say Ollie got out - my door was locked and refused to UNlock. I was locked into my own vehicle. And not like in that funny Family Guy episode where Peter locked himself inside the car; this was complete brain freeze and feeling totally helpless. So I managed to get Ollie's attention and asked her to try to unlock my door from the outside with the key - no dice. Must...not...curse...out...loud...in...front...of...Ollie.
Once we arrived back at Ollie's place, I realized that I had no idea how I was going to get out! You see, I am only 5'2"; the Rodeo has bucket seats, a center console, a stick shift and an emergency brake all between me and the passenger's seat. I have not waited 42 years to have sex only to lose my virginity to the emergency brake while trying to lift my 300+ lb carcass into the next seat in order to get out of the freaking truck!!! So, since Ollie's driveway is on a steep angle, I parked on the street. We laid the passenger seat all the way back, slid my driver's seat all the way back and laid it flat, left the emergency brake off, and I climbed/scrambled/crawled into the passenger seat and out the passenger side door. Awesome! We figured that the temporary block that is holding my non-working electric window up shook loose and was now blocking the lock and there was nothing I could do but wait until Monday to have it fixed. Neat.
Monday morning arrived as did I at work - now having crawled in and out of my crippled rig five times. A guy came and fixed it, and I was walking on air; elated at the thought of not having to get in and out the hard way anymore. Whew!! Lunch came and went - no problems. After work I went to the grocery store, went to get out, and - you guessed it - was locked in AGAIN. Must...not...even...think...of...using...the...f-word. I flew back downtown to the glass shop and called them from the curb only to be told that there was nothing they could do about it until the following morning. MUST...NOT...REPEATEDLY...YELL...THE...F-WORD...AT...THE...TOP...OF...MY...LUNGS.
The following morning the same guy came and picked up the truck and took it back to the shop. It turns out that the temporary window block is fine; it's the locking mechanism that has now fallen apart. Sigh...one more seemingly minor thing that I cannot afford to fix. I was so depressed; not because of the lock not working but because of what it represented. One more thing going wrong and no money to fix it. The glass shop guy recommended that I not lock the door anymore and I should be fine. Wow - really Sherlock? The only problem with that is the fact that we all live in a society - even in Billings, Montana - where some people have a tendency to remove things from your unlocked vehicle that do not belong to them. Hence, the use of DOOR LOCKS YOU MORON. Oh well. It could be worse. I just wish it was better.
TTFN.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Still here...
Thanks to everyone who left me uplifting comments (Laurie - thank you so much!!) and sent me messages via email and Facebook. They meant a lot to me, and I cherish each and every one of them.
I am doing somewhat better these days; I believe a pinpoint of light is appearing at one end of the tunnel and I am choosing to believe it is not a train, plane or helicopter. I dropped off my first payment to a debt reduction service to help me get my $8000+ in medical bills (and a few other bills) paid off. One down, 32 more to go. It actally felt good and made me feel happy to give over this hard earned money to strangers in charge of my bills (who knew?). The goal now is to not incur any more. Do you hear that kidneys? NO MORE STONES!!
Yep, those are my kidney stones that cost me $32,000 to get rid of. Not a pleasant experience on any level.
One of my dreams is to work from home. I have wanted to work from home for about the last 10 years or so; Sissy has worked from home and really wants to do it again. Les will need to retire next year, but they will still need a decent income to sustain them. Sissy and I have found what we feel is the answer for us; the problem is attaining it. We found a skill that we want to train for, but the schooling itself is about $2500 and then the software we would have to purchase in order to pursue this skill as a living is another $2000. Yeah, we both just have a stray $5k laying around just waiting for this! There are no grants or anything out there to help us out - trust us, we've looked. I have even written to someone that runs one of the schools and asked them about it, and they didn't know of any financial assistance either.
So, we have decided to sell a bunch of stuff on eBay. I have my own store which has been sitting empty for the last six months (and that I continue to pay for, brilliant), so we have decided to put it to good use. I make greeting cards and jewelry, so I will be listing those along with books, DVDs and CDs that I don't need. Sissy will have some of the same, along with nice clothing, jewelry, shoes, and nice knick knacks and collectables. Please check out my store here.
Well, not much more news for right now; I just wanted to let everyone know that I am OK and I'm hanging in there.
TTFN.
I am doing somewhat better these days; I believe a pinpoint of light is appearing at one end of the tunnel and I am choosing to believe it is not a train, plane or helicopter. I dropped off my first payment to a debt reduction service to help me get my $8000+ in medical bills (and a few other bills) paid off. One down, 32 more to go. It actally felt good and made me feel happy to give over this hard earned money to strangers in charge of my bills (who knew?). The goal now is to not incur any more. Do you hear that kidneys? NO MORE STONES!!
Yep, those are my kidney stones that cost me $32,000 to get rid of. Not a pleasant experience on any level.
One of my dreams is to work from home. I have wanted to work from home for about the last 10 years or so; Sissy has worked from home and really wants to do it again. Les will need to retire next year, but they will still need a decent income to sustain them. Sissy and I have found what we feel is the answer for us; the problem is attaining it. We found a skill that we want to train for, but the schooling itself is about $2500 and then the software we would have to purchase in order to pursue this skill as a living is another $2000. Yeah, we both just have a stray $5k laying around just waiting for this! There are no grants or anything out there to help us out - trust us, we've looked. I have even written to someone that runs one of the schools and asked them about it, and they didn't know of any financial assistance either.
So, we have decided to sell a bunch of stuff on eBay. I have my own store which has been sitting empty for the last six months (and that I continue to pay for, brilliant), so we have decided to put it to good use. I make greeting cards and jewelry, so I will be listing those along with books, DVDs and CDs that I don't need. Sissy will have some of the same, along with nice clothing, jewelry, shoes, and nice knick knacks and collectables. Please check out my store here.
Well, not much more news for right now; I just wanted to let everyone know that I am OK and I'm hanging in there.
TTFN.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
It's a downer...
I haven’t been blogging much lately, mostly because nothing is going on. I have been deeply depressed for the last few weeks and I keep thinking about my life. I don’t mean the financial stuff and all of that, but how my life is. Everyone has financial troubles, especially now. No…it’s deeper than that.
What is it like to have a fun group of friends? Is it like they show on TV? Do people really get together to have drinks at a local bar or restaurant, just for fun and to talk? Do they really get together and have Super Bowl parties and BBQ’s? I wish I knew what that was like. For a brief time in high school when I was allowed to have a group of friends, we kind of did stuff like that. We were too young to drink of course, but we did hang out at the local Roller King to skate, and we went to movies, and we hung out at each others houses.
What is it like to have your own home? I rent and so I feel like I work my butt off for the privilege of living in someone else’s home while I throw $650 cash out into the street every month. I did something on Saturday that I should never do when I am in these dark moods – I drove through a neighborhood and looked at the homes. I don’t mean big mansions or anything like that; just nice, clean, neat neighborhoods with real people living in them. What is it like to know you can paint all of your walls hot pink and put in orange shag carpeting if you want to? What is it like to not have a stroke every time a vehicle looking remarkably like your landlord’s drives by? What is it like to own a pet if you want to?
What is it like to be loved by someone that is not related to you? I was loved once a long, long time ago, but I think I have forgotten what it was like. What is it like to have someone to come home to? Someone that chose you and wants to be with you? Someone who holds you in their arms and whispers into your hair that everything is going to be OK? What is it like to be touched by another human being because they want to touch you, not because they are your doctor? What is it like to be kissed or have your hand held? It has been 24 years since someone did either one of those things with me.
What is it like to live life outside of a cage? I want so badly to live life like other people, but I am afraid. I don’t know how to do it. I live my life like an animal that was caged and declawed at birth. When I turned 19, the door to my cage was thrown open and I was allowed to be free. Instead of hurling myself out of the cage and leaving it in the dust, I warily tip-toed out of the door. I never ventured far from the prison I knew; I want so badly to run away and never look back; to be truly free. But I find that I am ill equipped to live this life, unsure how to defend myself without my claws.
And so night, after night, after lonely night I return to the soiled and rusted cage that I hate - head down, ears back, tail tucked firmly between my legs - because it is the only thing I know. I lie there with the door open and watch, resentfully, as time and people pass me by.
I feel like it is too late now; too late for me.
What is it like to have a fun group of friends? Is it like they show on TV? Do people really get together to have drinks at a local bar or restaurant, just for fun and to talk? Do they really get together and have Super Bowl parties and BBQ’s? I wish I knew what that was like. For a brief time in high school when I was allowed to have a group of friends, we kind of did stuff like that. We were too young to drink of course, but we did hang out at the local Roller King to skate, and we went to movies, and we hung out at each others houses.
What is it like to have your own home? I rent and so I feel like I work my butt off for the privilege of living in someone else’s home while I throw $650 cash out into the street every month. I did something on Saturday that I should never do when I am in these dark moods – I drove through a neighborhood and looked at the homes. I don’t mean big mansions or anything like that; just nice, clean, neat neighborhoods with real people living in them. What is it like to know you can paint all of your walls hot pink and put in orange shag carpeting if you want to? What is it like to not have a stroke every time a vehicle looking remarkably like your landlord’s drives by? What is it like to own a pet if you want to?
What is it like to be loved by someone that is not related to you? I was loved once a long, long time ago, but I think I have forgotten what it was like. What is it like to have someone to come home to? Someone that chose you and wants to be with you? Someone who holds you in their arms and whispers into your hair that everything is going to be OK? What is it like to be touched by another human being because they want to touch you, not because they are your doctor? What is it like to be kissed or have your hand held? It has been 24 years since someone did either one of those things with me.
What is it like to live life outside of a cage? I want so badly to live life like other people, but I am afraid. I don’t know how to do it. I live my life like an animal that was caged and declawed at birth. When I turned 19, the door to my cage was thrown open and I was allowed to be free. Instead of hurling myself out of the cage and leaving it in the dust, I warily tip-toed out of the door. I never ventured far from the prison I knew; I want so badly to run away and never look back; to be truly free. But I find that I am ill equipped to live this life, unsure how to defend myself without my claws.
And so night, after night, after lonely night I return to the soiled and rusted cage that I hate - head down, ears back, tail tucked firmly between my legs - because it is the only thing I know. I lie there with the door open and watch, resentfully, as time and people pass me by.
I feel like it is too late now; too late for me.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Not much going on...
I haven’t written anything in a while because, well, other than whining about the trivial amount of crap happening in my life (as compared with the rest of the world), there just hasn’t been very much going on. I continue to struggle with depression, especially recently with worrying about financial issues – whether to declare bankruptcy or not. Stupid medical bills. Stupid hospital for charging so much for getting rid of stupid kidney stones. Stupid economy crashing, making it impossible for me to get stupid raise from stupid employer. Stupid me whining about stupid problems when other people are facing stupid foreclosure on their homes due to stupid banks being stupid. But, problems are problems, and the fact that I owe more than $7,000 in medical bills alone feels like it may as well be $7,000,000.
This frustration is compounded by the fact that I still cannot make any headway in the weight loss struggle. I manage to get down to about eight or nine pounds above the three hundred mark, and then…TWANG!!! I am whiplashed back up 10 pounds or so back to where I started. EEERRRGGG!!!! Everyone is going to meet their goal for the party in August except me. Why? Why can’t I get it together? Why do I reach a certain point and then just…quit? I am tired of falling off the proverbial wagon to be trampled by pizza-wielding horses. (And why are the horses behind the wagon? Hmmm…yet another issue to be solved.) I haven’t been exercising either, and of course, that is not helping. And thus the vicious circle spins round and round, making me psychologically dizzy and causing me to vomit forth excuse after excuse. Nice mental picture, eh? Pfft.
But, today I was good (as of the typing of this blog entry, anyway) and had oatmeal for breakfast and a chicken salad for lunch, with dietetically approved snacks and consumption of the appropriate amount of liquids. One day down, a lifetime to go.
This frustration is compounded by the fact that I still cannot make any headway in the weight loss struggle. I manage to get down to about eight or nine pounds above the three hundred mark, and then…TWANG!!! I am whiplashed back up 10 pounds or so back to where I started. EEERRRGGG!!!! Everyone is going to meet their goal for the party in August except me. Why? Why can’t I get it together? Why do I reach a certain point and then just…quit? I am tired of falling off the proverbial wagon to be trampled by pizza-wielding horses. (And why are the horses behind the wagon? Hmmm…yet another issue to be solved.) I haven’t been exercising either, and of course, that is not helping. And thus the vicious circle spins round and round, making me psychologically dizzy and causing me to vomit forth excuse after excuse. Nice mental picture, eh? Pfft.
But, today I was good (as of the typing of this blog entry, anyway) and had oatmeal for breakfast and a chicken salad for lunch, with dietetically approved snacks and consumption of the appropriate amount of liquids. One day down, a lifetime to go.
Friday, May 1, 2009
I miss you, Daddy
Today is the 28th anniversary of my father's death.
I miss him every day.
I love you, Daddy.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I'M DOING IT!!
I have stuck to my WW points for an entire week (except for Friday night); I have gone walking on Tuesday, Wednesday, and today - 20 minutes on Tuesday and 25 minutes Wednesday and today. And, as you can see by my little ticker at the top of the page, the hula girl is moving closer to my goal! The big party is in August and has a Hawaiian theme, so I changed my ticker to reflect that. Woo hoo!
I have been feeling positive about 85% of the time. There are times when I am feeling so good, so WELL, so positive...then I catch sight of myself in a window. I don't have a single full length mirror in my house, and I manage to look myself dead in the eye in the bathroom mirror when doing my hair, brushing my teeth, etc. It is the only mirror in the place, and it hits me at about bellybutton height, so I never get to see myself full length - just the way I like it. Anyhoo, I digress. When I see myself reflected in a window or something that shows me full length, I think, "Why am I doing this? What difference does it make? I am too old to ever find anyone that will love me. By the time I lose all the weight I want to, I will probably be 45 (if I'm lucky) and no one will want me." For a few minutes, my world crumbles and I want to just crawl in a hole and stay there (as long as I can order pizza). I don't know who in the world will want to be with a 40+ year old that has had zippo experience with relationships (the last time I had a boyfriend, I was 17. Haven't even been kissed since then, let alone anything else. People who say they have "chosen" to be celibate for a month crack me up). But then I remember that lots of women find love later in life and are very happy. And even if I never find love, if I stay strong and loose weight and exercise, I will die happy knowing that I won't have to be removed from my house with a crane and be buried in a piano crate for a coffin.
Sheesh - could I be any more morbid? Let's not find out, shall we? I have been having some fun planning my new wardrobe for my August vacation. The new Roaman's plus size catalog came in the mail the other day, and there are lots of really cute clothes in there that I could pull off if I meet my goal weight by then. Normally I don't get a big thrill out of the thought of buying new clothes, because I am using buying them in a BIGGER size. I can't wait to find out what it feels like to buy clothes in a SMALLER size! I have been pizza free for an entire week (I'm surprised Domino's and Papa John's haven't sent the cops by to make sure I'm OK), and have had fast food a few times but made them work into my points for the day. Friday night I did go over and have fish & chips with a piece of cheesecake at Montana Jacks. However, I did not feel guilty because I have decided that if I am going to jump off the wagon and run along side, I will do it with a plan and not with the "screw this I'm just chucking it" attitude. If I want to go off plan and have dinner out, I will do it on a Friday or Saturday; I will continue to eat the way I should for the entire day - with the exception of that one meal - instead of pigging out all day long; and I will still exercise that day. I want to lose the weight, but I don't want to live in a world where I cannot eat something if I really want it and am willing to be responsible about it. That isn't a change of lifestyle, that is a diet and it is hell.
Welp, I'ma gonna sign off for now. I had a lovely day and I am tired and wish to go sleepy bo-bos. TTFN.
I have been feeling positive about 85% of the time. There are times when I am feeling so good, so WELL, so positive...then I catch sight of myself in a window. I don't have a single full length mirror in my house, and I manage to look myself dead in the eye in the bathroom mirror when doing my hair, brushing my teeth, etc. It is the only mirror in the place, and it hits me at about bellybutton height, so I never get to see myself full length - just the way I like it. Anyhoo, I digress. When I see myself reflected in a window or something that shows me full length, I think, "Why am I doing this? What difference does it make? I am too old to ever find anyone that will love me. By the time I lose all the weight I want to, I will probably be 45 (if I'm lucky) and no one will want me." For a few minutes, my world crumbles and I want to just crawl in a hole and stay there (as long as I can order pizza). I don't know who in the world will want to be with a 40+ year old that has had zippo experience with relationships (the last time I had a boyfriend, I was 17. Haven't even been kissed since then, let alone anything else. People who say they have "chosen" to be celibate for a month crack me up). But then I remember that lots of women find love later in life and are very happy. And even if I never find love, if I stay strong and loose weight and exercise, I will die happy knowing that I won't have to be removed from my house with a crane and be buried in a piano crate for a coffin.
Sheesh - could I be any more morbid? Let's not find out, shall we? I have been having some fun planning my new wardrobe for my August vacation. The new Roaman's plus size catalog came in the mail the other day, and there are lots of really cute clothes in there that I could pull off if I meet my goal weight by then. Normally I don't get a big thrill out of the thought of buying new clothes, because I am using buying them in a BIGGER size. I can't wait to find out what it feels like to buy clothes in a SMALLER size! I have been pizza free for an entire week (I'm surprised Domino's and Papa John's haven't sent the cops by to make sure I'm OK), and have had fast food a few times but made them work into my points for the day. Friday night I did go over and have fish & chips with a piece of cheesecake at Montana Jacks. However, I did not feel guilty because I have decided that if I am going to jump off the wagon and run along side, I will do it with a plan and not with the "screw this I'm just chucking it" attitude. If I want to go off plan and have dinner out, I will do it on a Friday or Saturday; I will continue to eat the way I should for the entire day - with the exception of that one meal - instead of pigging out all day long; and I will still exercise that day. I want to lose the weight, but I don't want to live in a world where I cannot eat something if I really want it and am willing to be responsible about it. That isn't a change of lifestyle, that is a diet and it is hell.
Welp, I'ma gonna sign off for now. I had a lovely day and I am tired and wish to go sleepy bo-bos. TTFN.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Dieting sucks, and I HATE IT
I sent the following email to my lovely friends, sister, and nieces; we are all trying to lose weight, and some of us have a specific goal of losing 40-45 lbs by August (thus the little scale-o-meter at the top of my blog page - you know, the one that never mooves? Oops, I meant mooves. Moooves. Moves. Whatever.)
Hi ladies – how is everyone doing with their goals? I suck. Big time. I am not any closer to meeting my goal than I was when I started! I have been frustrated and depressed, and it has caused me to find solace in my comfort foods: pizza (curse you Domino’s!!!! I ate an entire medium deep dish pizza Thursday night – that’s right, an entire medium pizza all by myself in one sitting); Super Nachos from Guadalajara (which are actually meant to serve four people as an appetizer); burgers and fries from McDonalds. Well ladies – that was last week. This is a new week – which for me actually started Saturday. The weather here has finally reached above 45° and is predicted to be 75°+ for the rest of the week! Talk about a boost!! Saturday and Sunday I opened every single window in my place and let the nice fresh air blow around and through it. It was fabulous! I started taking Lipozene on Friday before lunch and dinner and it really helps to dampen my appetite, and I am fuller quicker – which is the whole point. I have a 30-day supply, so I will let you know how they work for me.
Sunday I went grocery shopping at Wally World and got stuff for lunches and dinner. I seem to do really well (most of the time) while I am at work. I pack a lunch with a Lean Cuisine or Smart Ones frozen entrée, a jello or pudding cup, cottage cheese and fruit, and some crackers or something crunchy for a snack. One drawer of my desk is filled – literally – with sugar-free drinks for my water, Fiber One and Zone Perfect bars, and instant oatmeal packets (for breakfast since I cannot ever get breakfast at home). Dinner is my ultimate downfall. By the time I get home I just don’t want to make anything; the kitchen is a complete disaster full of dirty dishes, etc., I am tired and frustrated after a long day of working for this stupid company, and I just want to go through a drive-thru or order pizza online because it is fast and I don’t have to do much. So, I have purchased Weight Watcher points friendly sandwich makings, etc. so that I can just make myself a simple sandwich when I get home. Taking the Lipozene at about 5pm helps me stop the over eating and snacking after I get home, so that is a plus!
I do Weight Watchers online, and last week they put out a walking challenge and encouraged people to make teams, etc. I finally found a couple of people here in Billings that want to participate with me in this, and we are getting together Tuesday for our first “official” walk together (our team name is – my idea – The Billings Booty Busters). The challenge is basically to be 5K ready in 8 weeks – for either a 5K walk or run. There is no way I could do a 5K run in my present condition, but I am determined to be able to do a 5K walk! I took a little, tiny-weenie, walk yesterday – down to the end of my block, across the street to the other end of the block, back across the street again to home. I was probably only about an eighth of a mile, but it felt really good to just get the body moving, and I met my neighbor that moved in next door about six months ago since he was outside playing with his 2 year old son and 1 year old daughter in the lovely sunshine!
So, I am feeling very positive this morning – despite gaining 3.2 pound last week – and I hope you all are feeling positive too! WE CAN DO THIS. It may not seem like it sometimes, but I refuse to give up.
Love you all!!!
Wow, wasn't that positive and uplifting? I have no idea where it came from. Oh, don't get me wrong; I am feeling positive, etc. but I suppose it was just a little sugary for the real me. Anyway, so far so good today. I really got into a slump as it was my birthday last week - on the 15th. Yep! What is almost as fun as sharing your birthday with Hitler? Sharing with the IRS of course! That means for lucky little 'ol me, I cannot ever forget my birthday or when taxes are due. NEAT! I now need to perfect my Patsy Stone accent (I'M FORTY-TWO!)
I just get frustrated because sometimes things that I don't want to pass quickly always do, and losing weight is not one of those things. I get all hepped up and excited and positive, etc. but it still takes FOREVER for next week to come so that I can see the results of my progress (if any). How come the weekends don't follow the same time continuum? (That was for all of you Star Trek fans out there. As if you read my blog.)
But the good news is that the days are getting longer and it stays lighter now; Family Guy had a new episode last night so I have a NEW un-PC song stuck in my noggin' (a bag of weed, a bag of weed, everything goes better with a bag of weed!); baseball games have started in earnest; and the weather is finally leading us Montanan's to believe (erroniously, of course) that all the snow is behind us and we can now enjoy our first sunburn of the year.
So, until next time, please concentrate on the little scale at the top of my blog and will it to moooove towards my goal. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.
TTFN.
Hi ladies – how is everyone doing with their goals? I suck. Big time. I am not any closer to meeting my goal than I was when I started! I have been frustrated and depressed, and it has caused me to find solace in my comfort foods: pizza (curse you Domino’s!!!! I ate an entire medium deep dish pizza Thursday night – that’s right, an entire medium pizza all by myself in one sitting); Super Nachos from Guadalajara (which are actually meant to serve four people as an appetizer); burgers and fries from McDonalds. Well ladies – that was last week. This is a new week – which for me actually started Saturday. The weather here has finally reached above 45° and is predicted to be 75°+ for the rest of the week! Talk about a boost!! Saturday and Sunday I opened every single window in my place and let the nice fresh air blow around and through it. It was fabulous! I started taking Lipozene on Friday before lunch and dinner and it really helps to dampen my appetite, and I am fuller quicker – which is the whole point. I have a 30-day supply, so I will let you know how they work for me.
Sunday I went grocery shopping at Wally World and got stuff for lunches and dinner. I seem to do really well (most of the time) while I am at work. I pack a lunch with a Lean Cuisine or Smart Ones frozen entrée, a jello or pudding cup, cottage cheese and fruit, and some crackers or something crunchy for a snack. One drawer of my desk is filled – literally – with sugar-free drinks for my water, Fiber One and Zone Perfect bars, and instant oatmeal packets (for breakfast since I cannot ever get breakfast at home). Dinner is my ultimate downfall. By the time I get home I just don’t want to make anything; the kitchen is a complete disaster full of dirty dishes, etc., I am tired and frustrated after a long day of working for this stupid company, and I just want to go through a drive-thru or order pizza online because it is fast and I don’t have to do much. So, I have purchased Weight Watcher points friendly sandwich makings, etc. so that I can just make myself a simple sandwich when I get home. Taking the Lipozene at about 5pm helps me stop the over eating and snacking after I get home, so that is a plus!
I do Weight Watchers online, and last week they put out a walking challenge and encouraged people to make teams, etc. I finally found a couple of people here in Billings that want to participate with me in this, and we are getting together Tuesday for our first “official” walk together (our team name is – my idea – The Billings Booty Busters). The challenge is basically to be 5K ready in 8 weeks – for either a 5K walk or run. There is no way I could do a 5K run in my present condition, but I am determined to be able to do a 5K walk! I took a little, tiny-weenie, walk yesterday – down to the end of my block, across the street to the other end of the block, back across the street again to home. I was probably only about an eighth of a mile, but it felt really good to just get the body moving, and I met my neighbor that moved in next door about six months ago since he was outside playing with his 2 year old son and 1 year old daughter in the lovely sunshine!
So, I am feeling very positive this morning – despite gaining 3.2 pound last week – and I hope you all are feeling positive too! WE CAN DO THIS. It may not seem like it sometimes, but I refuse to give up.
Love you all!!!
Wow, wasn't that positive and uplifting? I have no idea where it came from. Oh, don't get me wrong; I am feeling positive, etc. but I suppose it was just a little sugary for the real me. Anyway, so far so good today. I really got into a slump as it was my birthday last week - on the 15th. Yep! What is almost as fun as sharing your birthday with Hitler? Sharing with the IRS of course! That means for lucky little 'ol me, I cannot ever forget my birthday or when taxes are due. NEAT! I now need to perfect my Patsy Stone accent (I'M FORTY-TWO!)
I just get frustrated because sometimes things that I don't want to pass quickly always do, and losing weight is not one of those things. I get all hepped up and excited and positive, etc. but it still takes FOREVER for next week to come so that I can see the results of my progress (if any). How come the weekends don't follow the same time continuum? (That was for all of you Star Trek fans out there. As if you read my blog.)
But the good news is that the days are getting longer and it stays lighter now; Family Guy had a new episode last night so I have a NEW un-PC song stuck in my noggin' (a bag of weed, a bag of weed, everything goes better with a bag of weed!); baseball games have started in earnest; and the weather is finally leading us Montanan's to believe (erroniously, of course) that all the snow is behind us and we can now enjoy our first sunburn of the year.
So, until next time, please concentrate on the little scale at the top of my blog and will it to moooove towards my goal. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.
TTFN.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Procrastination is my middle name...
I am feeling better now; Thursday was the worst day, and I have a very unsympathetic boss so it just made things worse. I am now on the mend; god bless NyQuil liquid gels!
I took myself out to lunch today since Montana Jacks sent me a coupon for my birthday this month. While treating myself, I had a slice of their new Very Cherry Cheesecake. Uh, yes, would you please come to my home and fill my bathtub with this please? STAT? OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!! Yes yes me likey very very much the Very Cherry Cheesecake from Montana Jacks. Highly recommend ordering and promptly planting face in. STAT. I am not usually a fan of the baked cheesecake as I find they are kinda on the dry side (yes, this from the woman who buys the Jell-O brand cheesecake mix, mixes the batter together and eats it straight out of the mixing bowl without letting it set with all the graham cracker crust ingredients sprinkled on top). HOWEVER, this heavenly concoction was not dry at all, was full of lovely big juicy cherries, and the thick graham cracker crust? WAS ON TOP OF THE CHEESECAKE! Did I mention that I highly recommend consuming mass quantities? Ok, just wanted to be sure. It is the closest thing to sex I have ever had. Ever.
After leaving the restaurant I was on a bit of a high. The sun was shining brilliantly and I just wanted to go for a lovely walk. So I drove all the way across the city to the new Kohl's and walked around in there (shut up - it counts as exercise)(it DOES TOO!!!). I am forever seeking the best duvet cover for my bedroom (duh - No, we thought it was for the kitchen!) and found one on Overstock.com that I really, really like, but I am just having a really hard time committing. I found several items that I liked at Kohl's, but the problem is that I have a full-sized bed. If it was something that was just, eh, ok - then they had it in a full size and it was on sale. Next. If it was something that was fabulous and designed by Vera Wang - they had it in a full but it was over $200. Next. If it was fabulous and on sale? Then they had one California King set and one twin. CURSES!! So, after wandering around the housewares and jewelry sections without finding anything that turned me on as much as that cheesecake, I left. Then I decided that what would really cheer me up would be a nifty crystal decanter for storing mouthwash in my bathroom. I would run (drive) over to Tuesday Morning to see what they had; they rarely disappoint in their choices of crystal nifty-thingies. Would Tuesday Morning be open on a Sunday Afternoon? SCORE! I parked next to a sparkly shiny clean SUV as the owner came strolling out in her Easter best. My SUV looks like I currently live in it, and am as bad a housekeeper while living in my vehicle as I am in my real home. She had the nerve to very un-casually "glance" into my vehicle as she was approaching hers and turn up her nose in judgement. I felt like hocking a lugey at her as I got out of my Rodeo, but I classily resisted. Humpf. I was determined that this old biddy was not going to harsh my cheesecake buzz (have I mentioned the cheesecake? I have? Just checking). I made my entrance into the store prepared to be dazzled by their usual array of crystal lovlies. I was sorely disappointed. It appears that they have not only rearranged the store so that I had to waste precious steps to find said crystal collection, but they have drastically down-sized their inventory as well. CRAP!! I finally managed to find where they were hiding the three crystal decanters they had, but they were all $25 and just didn't do it for me. Sigh... I then realized why I rarely shop there anymore; most of the stuff they have you would have to pay me to take out of the store and then I still wouldn't want to schlep it to my car. Oh well. Just as well I suppose.
And the real reason I was doing all of this was because I was wearing my last pair of clean underwear, next to last pair of clean socks, and my horribly unflattering pair of workout sweats because I have absolutely no clean clothes. At all. Seriously. But I did manage to get two loads of laundry done today. Yay me.
TTFN.
I took myself out to lunch today since Montana Jacks sent me a coupon for my birthday this month. While treating myself, I had a slice of their new Very Cherry Cheesecake. Uh, yes, would you please come to my home and fill my bathtub with this please? STAT? OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!! Yes yes me likey very very much the Very Cherry Cheesecake from Montana Jacks. Highly recommend ordering and promptly planting face in. STAT. I am not usually a fan of the baked cheesecake as I find they are kinda on the dry side (yes, this from the woman who buys the Jell-O brand cheesecake mix, mixes the batter together and eats it straight out of the mixing bowl without letting it set with all the graham cracker crust ingredients sprinkled on top). HOWEVER, this heavenly concoction was not dry at all, was full of lovely big juicy cherries, and the thick graham cracker crust? WAS ON TOP OF THE CHEESECAKE! Did I mention that I highly recommend consuming mass quantities? Ok, just wanted to be sure. It is the closest thing to sex I have ever had. Ever.
After leaving the restaurant I was on a bit of a high. The sun was shining brilliantly and I just wanted to go for a lovely walk. So I drove all the way across the city to the new Kohl's and walked around in there (shut up - it counts as exercise)(it DOES TOO!!!). I am forever seeking the best duvet cover for my bedroom (duh - No, we thought it was for the kitchen!) and found one on Overstock.com that I really, really like, but I am just having a really hard time committing. I found several items that I liked at Kohl's, but the problem is that I have a full-sized bed. If it was something that was just, eh, ok - then they had it in a full size and it was on sale. Next. If it was something that was fabulous and designed by Vera Wang - they had it in a full but it was over $200. Next. If it was fabulous and on sale? Then they had one California King set and one twin. CURSES!! So, after wandering around the housewares and jewelry sections without finding anything that turned me on as much as that cheesecake, I left. Then I decided that what would really cheer me up would be a nifty crystal decanter for storing mouthwash in my bathroom. I would run (drive) over to Tuesday Morning to see what they had; they rarely disappoint in their choices of crystal nifty-thingies. Would Tuesday Morning be open on a Sunday Afternoon? SCORE! I parked next to a sparkly shiny clean SUV as the owner came strolling out in her Easter best. My SUV looks like I currently live in it, and am as bad a housekeeper while living in my vehicle as I am in my real home. She had the nerve to very un-casually "glance" into my vehicle as she was approaching hers and turn up her nose in judgement. I felt like hocking a lugey at her as I got out of my Rodeo, but I classily resisted. Humpf. I was determined that this old biddy was not going to harsh my cheesecake buzz (have I mentioned the cheesecake? I have? Just checking). I made my entrance into the store prepared to be dazzled by their usual array of crystal lovlies. I was sorely disappointed. It appears that they have not only rearranged the store so that I had to waste precious steps to find said crystal collection, but they have drastically down-sized their inventory as well. CRAP!! I finally managed to find where they were hiding the three crystal decanters they had, but they were all $25 and just didn't do it for me. Sigh... I then realized why I rarely shop there anymore; most of the stuff they have you would have to pay me to take out of the store and then I still wouldn't want to schlep it to my car. Oh well. Just as well I suppose.
And the real reason I was doing all of this was because I was wearing my last pair of clean underwear, next to last pair of clean socks, and my horribly unflattering pair of workout sweats because I have absolutely no clean clothes. At all. Seriously. But I did manage to get two loads of laundry done today. Yay me.
TTFN.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Achoo
*sniff* *snnnniiiiifff* *cough cough* *snort* *SNEEZE* *whine for mommy* *SSSNNNNIIIIFFFFFF*
I have the crud.
I am whiny.
My nose is raw.
Lost 2.8 lbs last week. Reading Jen Lancaster's Bitter Is The New Black. Laughing my head off, which is OK because it's full of snot and not doing me much good right now anyway.
I'm going back to bed.
I have the crud.
I am whiny.
My nose is raw.
Lost 2.8 lbs last week. Reading Jen Lancaster's Bitter Is The New Black. Laughing my head off, which is OK because it's full of snot and not doing me much good right now anyway.
I'm going back to bed.
Monday, March 23, 2009
You Can't Tell, But I'm Moving In The Right Direction!
I am - truely!! I managed to loose four pounds this week; just don't ask me how. Cause I don't have a clue. I ate out, didn't exercise; maybe it's because I slept most of the day Saturday and only ate once at about 8:30pm? But it was pizza so...I give up. I don't know why I lost them but I am glad to be rid of them. So there. PFFT. I have somehow managed to reset my weight loss ticker by accident, but that is OK because I feel like I am starting over now anyway. I read a FANTASTIC book this weekend (when I wasn't sleeping on Saturday) - more about it below - and it gave me some renewed faith in my ability to lose this weight. My goal is still the same - to weigh 265 by August 1st - but I will have to work a lot harder to attain it now because I have been messing around and not paying attention to how much time has gone by. It is still a reasonable goal of about three pounds per week, and if I get this gigantic butt of mine moving, that will help out even more.
So, the book. It is "Such A Pretty Fat" by Jen Lancaster. I nearly died about 50 times from laughter while reading this book!! However, there is bad language in it, so you may need to self-edit it. Otherwise, it is fantastic. She has written three books total, but at the time of writing this one, she had only published her first book, "Bitter Is The New Black". She determines that she needs to loose weight, so her agent suggests she write a book about her journey. I loved it because I felt like (aside from the bad language) this book could have been written by me. She has the same views on a lot of things and she has the same sence of humor that I do. I also loved her because she moaned about the same things I would have (a personal trainer named Barbie?), her fears were the same as mine, etc. I like the book because it is about a REAL PERSON and her fears are real just like mine. I just got off the phone with my sister, telling her about it and I am going to send it to her so she can enjoy it. I think that I will also run out (drive, sorry, not run...not yet) and buy her other two books as well.
Well, that's all that's new for now. TTFN.
So, the book. It is "Such A Pretty Fat" by Jen Lancaster. I nearly died about 50 times from laughter while reading this book!! However, there is bad language in it, so you may need to self-edit it. Otherwise, it is fantastic. She has written three books total, but at the time of writing this one, she had only published her first book, "Bitter Is The New Black". She determines that she needs to loose weight, so her agent suggests she write a book about her journey. I loved it because I felt like (aside from the bad language) this book could have been written by me. She has the same views on a lot of things and she has the same sence of humor that I do. I also loved her because she moaned about the same things I would have (a personal trainer named Barbie?), her fears were the same as mine, etc. I like the book because it is about a REAL PERSON and her fears are real just like mine. I just got off the phone with my sister, telling her about it and I am going to send it to her so she can enjoy it. I think that I will also run out (drive, sorry, not run...not yet) and buy her other two books as well.
Well, that's all that's new for now. TTFN.
Monday, March 16, 2009
I caved...
Yes, I admit it; I caved in and called to have my cable hooked back up (SHUT UP!). Hey - I really tried!! But, living in Montana and not being able to hear the weather in the morning is not such a hot idea. At least, not at this time of the year. Trying to dress for a new day based on the weather the day before is not an exact science. Or any science for that matter. Last week, on Saturday, the weather was glorious! 55 degrees, sunny, warm, nice breeze, etc. Cut to 9:37am Sunday and two inches of snow on the ground accumulating to a total of almost 6 inches by Monday morning. Um, yeah. Good thing I didn't grab my shorts and sandals! Well, I wouldn't be grabbing shorts anyway, but...uh...thingy.
Anyhoo, I can't wait to get it back. I am missing my favorite shows, although Ollie and I are having a lot of fun getting together to watch the Biggest Loser every Tuesday night. The biggest problem we have is that I want to bring nibbly things to snack on that are not in the spirit of the show! I did purchase the first season of The Big Bang Theory on DVD this week and watched all three DVDs. I LOVE that show!! I would go out with any of those guys, except Walowitz. He is just toooooo much of a horn dog for this gal. I would even date Sheldon with all his sphinter-puckering idiosyncracies. I love Leonard though; he is the perfect mix. So, I have to wait until next Monday to get everything back, and I will be a happier camper!
Also, you may have noticed that the weight tracker didn't change this week (or did you notice? See how you are?) - that would be because I DIDN'T GAIN THIS WEEK! Yeehaw! No, I didn't lose, but please don't harsh my buzz, OK? I plan to buckle down this week and stick to a decent eating plan and hopefully will take a little exercise and get that going as well. Since there is more daylight at the end of the day, I am not so inclined to go sleepy bo bos when I get home from work; hopefully I can put that extra time to good use. Ha.
Well, since I don't have a lot to say today, I thought I would share some wisdom from Andy Rooney. That guy is older than dirt but still hanging in there; there aren't a lot like him left and it's a darn shame. Please to enjoy:
I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
That when you're in love, it shows.
That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings
in the world.
That being kind is more important than being right.
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in
some other way.
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend
to act goofy with.
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was
a child did wonders for me as an adult.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster
it goes.
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
That money doesn't buy class.
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated
and loved.
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person
continue to hurt you.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people
smarter than I am.
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I loved him one more time before he
passed away.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may
have to eat them.
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist,
that you're hooked for life.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and
growth occurs while you're climbing it.
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
TTFN.
Anyhoo, I can't wait to get it back. I am missing my favorite shows, although Ollie and I are having a lot of fun getting together to watch the Biggest Loser every Tuesday night. The biggest problem we have is that I want to bring nibbly things to snack on that are not in the spirit of the show! I did purchase the first season of The Big Bang Theory on DVD this week and watched all three DVDs. I LOVE that show!! I would go out with any of those guys, except Walowitz. He is just toooooo much of a horn dog for this gal. I would even date Sheldon with all his sphinter-puckering idiosyncracies. I love Leonard though; he is the perfect mix. So, I have to wait until next Monday to get everything back, and I will be a happier camper!
Also, you may have noticed that the weight tracker didn't change this week (or did you notice? See how you are?) - that would be because I DIDN'T GAIN THIS WEEK! Yeehaw! No, I didn't lose, but please don't harsh my buzz, OK? I plan to buckle down this week and stick to a decent eating plan and hopefully will take a little exercise and get that going as well. Since there is more daylight at the end of the day, I am not so inclined to go sleepy bo bos when I get home from work; hopefully I can put that extra time to good use. Ha.
Well, since I don't have a lot to say today, I thought I would share some wisdom from Andy Rooney. That guy is older than dirt but still hanging in there; there aren't a lot like him left and it's a darn shame. Please to enjoy:
I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
That when you're in love, it shows.
That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings
in the world.
That being kind is more important than being right.
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in
some other way.
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend
to act goofy with.
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was
a child did wonders for me as an adult.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster
it goes.
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
That money doesn't buy class.
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated
and loved.
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person
continue to hurt you.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people
smarter than I am.
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I loved him one more time before he
passed away.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may
have to eat them.
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist,
that you're hooked for life.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and
growth occurs while you're climbing it.
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
TTFN.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Not much new...How U?
Well, the weight loss tracker is still moving in the wrong direction. CRAP. Yes, I said it, you read it, C R A P. I HATE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT!!! Sigh. OK, enough self-pity - what was the problem? Oh, just pizza and pasta and those stupid little chocolate donuts that you can get at WalMart by the crate. Oh yeah, and still taking no exercise. Other than that, I just can't understand why I am not waking up each morning in a puddle of fat! Depression has been crushing all of my best habits lately (shut up, yes, I do have a few) and causing me to eat all kinds of garbage just in case the world shall end in my sleep and I will never get the opportunity to eat pizza or little chocolate donuts by the crate ever again. The fact that the world seems to keep dawning new each morning has apparently been lost on my depression-addled brain. So, help me out here in reaching said brain. Please take a moment to scream at the top of your lungs along with me - yes, you in the back, come on speak up - STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!! Thank you.
Having said that, I actually woke up in a pretty focused mood this morning. I realized that I have not been taking any of my medications for at least a week; perhaps this could be part of the problem. Not just with the depression - doesn't take a MD to figure that one out - but with my weight loss (gain) problems and eating out of control. So, this morning I am back on the meds. Yesterday, with the threat of Les coming to possibly spend the evening, I actually managed to get the living room into some kind of shape that would not cause me to blindfold him before he came in the front door. I have been living in mortal fear that the dreaded landlord would make an appearance and demand entry and I would have to feign the Black Plague to keep him outside. I even sent Ollie an email and told her that she may now come over to watch movies with me if she wished - just as long as she did not look into the kitchen (which is another post in itself). I am not completely finished but the goal for tonight is to finish it and get out my walking-exercise DVD. I had an awesome CD playing yesterday (that Sissy made for me) while I was cleaning, and sometimes I ran in place to the music or just danced in an alarmingly white way (arm flinging, pointing at random objects repeatedly, the Cabbage, etc.). If my landlord has hidden cameras in my place then he is blind now, and deservedly so. I was surprised by these sudden and random bursts of energy; it just isn't like me. But, I would like it to be like me, and to be more often like me.
I really hate this part of Daylight Savings Time too - do not mess with my sleep time, do not take an hour away from me! But, I will have to say, I do enjoy having more light at the end of the day. I wish that the US would just leave the time where it is now and stop messing with it. Arizona doesn't even participate - how funny is that?? I like having more sun at the end of the day so that I can get stuff done at home. If it's dark outside when I get home, it must be sleepy time. I want to get the house back in shape, and I want to make some earrings and bracelets with the lovely lovely beads that I bought on Saturday. Man, I walked out of the bead store with a sack the size of an egg and it cost me $45!! When you are scooping up pretty shiney things at $.10 a piece, you forget exactly how much money you are spending; I think they do that on purpose. If I manage to make anything, I will post some pictures of them on here.
Speaking of posting pictures, I took in my collection of portraits that I have taken over the years in to show my therapist on Saturday. It's one of the few things I have done in life that I am proud of, so I just wanted to show them off. She thinks that getting back into photography will help me a lot with my depression. My problem is that Alisha, Reanna and Amber were my star models, and I'm not down there any more! So, somehow I will have to find some people that will allow me to take their pictures I guess. If the girls will give me permission, I will post some of my favorite portraits on here too.
Well - I guess I should stop blathering and get on with it; I did really well on my eating today and I drank at least 40 oz of water so far today. I have no clue what I'm doing for dinner, but I will try my best to be good.
TTFN
Having said that, I actually woke up in a pretty focused mood this morning. I realized that I have not been taking any of my medications for at least a week; perhaps this could be part of the problem. Not just with the depression - doesn't take a MD to figure that one out - but with my weight loss (gain) problems and eating out of control. So, this morning I am back on the meds. Yesterday, with the threat of Les coming to possibly spend the evening, I actually managed to get the living room into some kind of shape that would not cause me to blindfold him before he came in the front door. I have been living in mortal fear that the dreaded landlord would make an appearance and demand entry and I would have to feign the Black Plague to keep him outside. I even sent Ollie an email and told her that she may now come over to watch movies with me if she wished - just as long as she did not look into the kitchen (which is another post in itself). I am not completely finished but the goal for tonight is to finish it and get out my walking-exercise DVD. I had an awesome CD playing yesterday (that Sissy made for me) while I was cleaning, and sometimes I ran in place to the music or just danced in an alarmingly white way (arm flinging, pointing at random objects repeatedly, the Cabbage, etc.). If my landlord has hidden cameras in my place then he is blind now, and deservedly so. I was surprised by these sudden and random bursts of energy; it just isn't like me. But, I would like it to be like me, and to be more often like me.
I really hate this part of Daylight Savings Time too - do not mess with my sleep time, do not take an hour away from me! But, I will have to say, I do enjoy having more light at the end of the day. I wish that the US would just leave the time where it is now and stop messing with it. Arizona doesn't even participate - how funny is that?? I like having more sun at the end of the day so that I can get stuff done at home. If it's dark outside when I get home, it must be sleepy time. I want to get the house back in shape, and I want to make some earrings and bracelets with the lovely lovely beads that I bought on Saturday. Man, I walked out of the bead store with a sack the size of an egg and it cost me $45!! When you are scooping up pretty shiney things at $.10 a piece, you forget exactly how much money you are spending; I think they do that on purpose. If I manage to make anything, I will post some pictures of them on here.
Speaking of posting pictures, I took in my collection of portraits that I have taken over the years in to show my therapist on Saturday. It's one of the few things I have done in life that I am proud of, so I just wanted to show them off. She thinks that getting back into photography will help me a lot with my depression. My problem is that Alisha, Reanna and Amber were my star models, and I'm not down there any more! So, somehow I will have to find some people that will allow me to take their pictures I guess. If the girls will give me permission, I will post some of my favorite portraits on here too.
Well - I guess I should stop blathering and get on with it; I did really well on my eating today and I drank at least 40 oz of water so far today. I have no clue what I'm doing for dinner, but I will try my best to be good.
TTFN
Thursday, March 5, 2009
What A Cold Day In Hell Must Look Like
I took this picture with my cell phone the other day when I was sitting in the drive-thru at Mickey D's (notice the huge crack in my windshield that goes all the way across the picture). What were you doing at McD's you ask? Shut up, I reply. This McD's thermometer always seems to go out of whack when the temp drops below a certain degree. It just cracked me up seeing 266 degrees F juxtaposed with 6" of snow on the ground. Just kinda gave me a little giggle.
I had my car in the shop this week; $600 bucks!! Thank goodness for a generous mother that got a decent tax return; if she hadn't been willing to loan it to me, I would be in big trouble!! The timing belt tensioner died - a very rare occurrence. The mechanic said that it is very rare that the part just fails like that; it's usually due to an accident with severe front end damage. He thinks that this part was defective on the day it was manufactured. Sigh. Leave it to me to get it! It was making this horrible loud clacking noise ever since about Christmas time; it was so loud that you could hear me coming about a half mile away, drew stares from people on the street, and made other people roll down their windows and listen to their own vehicles. I would be waving at them and mouthing - no, it's me! Now the Rodeo is so quiet that I am not sure sometimes if it is still actually running! It's like driving a stealth Rodeo! I am so happy. Thanks again, Mom!!
TTFN.
Monday, March 2, 2009
I'm Going In The Wrong Direction
Well, as you can see by my little weight tracker at the top of my blog, I am clearly going in the wrong direction. Apparently my brain has not yet grasped the concept that i am intending to LOSE weight, not GAIN it. I have set myself back 6 pounds this week! Curse Domino's and their fantastic Bacon Cheeseburger pizza!!! I love it so...
I must must must start exercising (hmmm, where have i heard this tune before? Insert sound of broken record here). I saw on the Biggest Loser where all but two of the teams were locked out of the gym and had to learn to improvise a work out for the week without using any of the gym machines. They used this super nifty device that they hooked to a tree and got a full body work out with it. Kind of a loops and pulley sort of system with straps and stuff. Kinda looked like a modern take on a Medieval torture device in yellow and black nylon. I searched and searched and finally found the elusive little sucker online. I thought that if it wasn't too much, i might waste a few dollars on it. Well, it's $200. Too much? Yeah. I guess i will wait to see if i can find one on Ebay sometime in the future. If you want to see it and read the testimonials about it, you can find it here: http://www.fitnessanywhere.com/page/000-94127/PROD/TSPBV1.
I am also trying to find a good bra to wear while exercising (frankly, i am just looking for a good bra PERIOD). Ever try to find a decent sports bra in a size 52DD? Yeah, i thought not. Guess what? They don't exist. I was on the Biggest Loser's website, reading some of the forums, and one gal recommended bras from Enell (http://www.enell.com/). I checked them out; they are not pretty, but they sure look like they would hold the girls firmly! They aren't cheap either ($79 in my size), but if they work, i would be willing to pay a small ransom for one. There is a place here in town that does professional fittings, and i think i will go there to see what my real size is before i spring that kind of cash for one of those corsets. But i would love to start exercising and not come to work with two black eyes (and then try to explain them to an all male staff).
My car has gone in to hospital today; it started making a horrible noise in mid-December and is now having other issues that i believe are related. It could just be a really bad timing belt, but it could be the timing belt tensioner. It could cost $25 to fix or $600 to fix. Boy, do I love surprises! At least i will not be able to hit the fast food places for lunch this week. I am carpooling with Ollie, so i will be forced to bring my lunch to work. i have a few Weight Watchers Smart Ones frozen entrees in the freezer, and i have my Dark Chocolate Raspberry Sugar Free Jello Pudding cups so i think i'll be good to go. Wish me luck, as there is a gas station right around the corner that sells nasty but tasty hot dogs, chips, goodies and candy that is not out of my walking range...curse you Conoco!!!
I got new neighbors over the weekend, and all i can say is WOOHOO! No, not single male heterosexual underwear models with a fetish for short fat women with yellow hair that don't cook or clean; but they are the next best thing. Normal people. Nice normal quiet people. I can't wait to sit out on my back deck this spring and summer and enjoy a nice book and a glass of lemonade without being accosted by my three-sheets-to-the-wind neighbor that always wanted to hug and kiss me, and all of her loud three-sheets-to-the-wind loud mouthed friends. Whee!!!
Well, i guess i should get back to work; i have spent the latter portion of this morning surfing the web and just playing around. Oh well.
TTFN.
WHAT I ATE TODAY:
I must must must start exercising (hmmm, where have i heard this tune before? Insert sound of broken record here). I saw on the Biggest Loser where all but two of the teams were locked out of the gym and had to learn to improvise a work out for the week without using any of the gym machines. They used this super nifty device that they hooked to a tree and got a full body work out with it. Kind of a loops and pulley sort of system with straps and stuff. Kinda looked like a modern take on a Medieval torture device in yellow and black nylon. I searched and searched and finally found the elusive little sucker online. I thought that if it wasn't too much, i might waste a few dollars on it. Well, it's $200. Too much? Yeah. I guess i will wait to see if i can find one on Ebay sometime in the future. If you want to see it and read the testimonials about it, you can find it here: http://www.fitnessanywhere.com/page/000-94127/PROD/TSPBV1.
I am also trying to find a good bra to wear while exercising (frankly, i am just looking for a good bra PERIOD). Ever try to find a decent sports bra in a size 52DD? Yeah, i thought not. Guess what? They don't exist. I was on the Biggest Loser's website, reading some of the forums, and one gal recommended bras from Enell (http://www.enell.com/). I checked them out; they are not pretty, but they sure look like they would hold the girls firmly! They aren't cheap either ($79 in my size), but if they work, i would be willing to pay a small ransom for one. There is a place here in town that does professional fittings, and i think i will go there to see what my real size is before i spring that kind of cash for one of those corsets. But i would love to start exercising and not come to work with two black eyes (and then try to explain them to an all male staff).
My car has gone in to hospital today; it started making a horrible noise in mid-December and is now having other issues that i believe are related. It could just be a really bad timing belt, but it could be the timing belt tensioner. It could cost $25 to fix or $600 to fix. Boy, do I love surprises! At least i will not be able to hit the fast food places for lunch this week. I am carpooling with Ollie, so i will be forced to bring my lunch to work. i have a few Weight Watchers Smart Ones frozen entrees in the freezer, and i have my Dark Chocolate Raspberry Sugar Free Jello Pudding cups so i think i'll be good to go. Wish me luck, as there is a gas station right around the corner that sells nasty but tasty hot dogs, chips, goodies and candy that is not out of my walking range...curse you Conoco!!!
I got new neighbors over the weekend, and all i can say is WOOHOO! No, not single male heterosexual underwear models with a fetish for short fat women with yellow hair that don't cook or clean; but they are the next best thing. Normal people. Nice normal quiet people. I can't wait to sit out on my back deck this spring and summer and enjoy a nice book and a glass of lemonade without being accosted by my three-sheets-to-the-wind neighbor that always wanted to hug and kiss me, and all of her loud three-sheets-to-the-wind loud mouthed friends. Whee!!!
Well, i guess i should get back to work; i have spent the latter portion of this morning surfing the web and just playing around. Oh well.
TTFN.
WHAT I ATE TODAY:
- One sausage McMuffin with egg
- One McDonalds hashbrown
- 8oz chocolate milk
- 6oz water
- One Red Baron Personal Deep Dish Meat Trio Pizza
- One Dark Chocolate Raspberry Sugar Free Jello pudding cup
- 20oz diet coke
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