Bird of Prey vs. Cocktail Weenie

My sister called me the other day and told me that there are four bald eagles nesting in the trees by the pond behind her house. When she takes Bruiser, the mini doxie, out to go potty they circle in the sky above them. Recently, one of them did a low swoop over their heads. Bruiser is now terrified to be outside. The eagles must be royally pissed of that my sister is brazenly parading this...this...appetizer before them and not allowing them to taste it. She says that if they manage to somehow carry him off, she will either be in the looney bin for having witnessed such horror, or in federal prison for shooting a symbol of the US of A.

Hopefully it will be neither. Bruiser has never been allowed outside by himself because he is so small, and in addition to birds of prey there are coyotes, bears, and stupid clumsey cows to worry about as well. Now Sissy is having to carry Bruiser out underneath the big pine tree in the front yard to do his business so that he doesn't get spirited away for baby eagle breakfast. I told her she should train him to use a litter box! That poor dog is already uber-neurotic; this is all his nerves need now. Poor little cocktail weenie.

Learn A Little Sumpin' 'bout me

Do you ever get these (or ones similar to them) in your email? I get them from time to time, and I love them. So, without further ado, here is the latest one I received and the answers I gave.

Please to enjoy.

2010 Getting to Know Your Friends

Welcome to the 2010 edition of getting to know your Friends. Please 'press FORWARD' then change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to your friends including me. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends that you might not have known! Have fun! Look forward to hearing from you shortly.

1. What time did you get up this morning? Alarm went off at 5:45; physically got out of bed at 7:05.
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? 2012
4. What is your favorite TV show? The Big Bang Theory
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Quaker Instant Grits – butter flavor
6. What is your middle name? Leann
7. What food do you dislike? Vegetables – all of them; liver
8. What is your favourite CD at moment? Lady Gaga
9. What kind of car do you drive? 1994 Isuzu Rodeo with front windows that won’t roll down and a driver’s side door that won’t lock. Well, actually it will lock, but it won’t UN-lock. And having it UN-lock is actually more important than having it lock. Trust me on this.
10. Favorite sandwich? Egg Salad
11. What characteristic do you despise? Intolerance
12. Favorite item of clothing? Stilettos
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? Paris
14. Favorite brand of clothing? Anything that fits me
15. Where would you like to retire to? The Oregon Coast
16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? Do you mean, “What is the last birthday you remember?” Because that is really a different question and this little square isn’t big enough for that answer. Next?
17. Favorite sport to watch? FOOTBALL!!!
18. Furthest place you are sending this? Jacksonville, FL
19. Person you expect to send it back first? Brad Pitt – he’s considerate that way and loves these questionnaires!
20. When is your birthday? Every year. Oh, sorry, April 15th.
21. Are you a morning person or a night person? More of a 10am-3:30pm kind of person.
22. What is your shoe size? 6.5
23. Pets? Not right now. Thanks for rubbing salt in that wound.
24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I will be moving back to where my family is this summer! But that might just be exciting to me, and it probably isn’t new to a lot of people, so I guess…no.
25. What did you want to be when you grew up? An actress or a stewardess. And for a short period when I was young, I wanted to be a horse.
26. How are you today? I have a headache.
27. What are your favorite sweets? Dark chocolate covered seafoam, salt water taffy
28. What is your favorite flower? Tulips
29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? July 1st.
30. What is your full name? Heather Leann Hotchkiss
31. What are you listening to right now? A sales rep making a phone call.
32. What was the last thing you ate? See question #5.
33. Do you wish on stars? Not any more.
34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Violet.
35. How is the weather right now? Sunny, 59, winds from WSW at 16mph (at 9:15am)
36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? A customer.
37. Favorite soft drink? Huckleberry cream soda
38. Favorite restaurant? The Rex in Billings, MT
39. Real hair color? Dark ash blonde (looks just like brown!) Wait, what do you mean by “real” hair color? What exactly are you insinuating?
40. What was your favorite toy as a child? Lincoln Logs, Matchbox cars, miniature horses
41. Summer or winter? I love the snow in winter, but I love the sunshine in summer.
42. Hugs or kisses? Hugs are great because you can get them from lots of people, but it depends on who exactly is doing the kissing.
43. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate (dark, not milk)
44. Coffee or tea? Neither. Yuck.
45. Do you want your friends to email you back? I would prefer that they sent me money.
46. When was the last time you cried? This morning on my way to work.
47. What is under your bed? Carpet, probably some CD’s that I can’t find, more than likely some socks that are also missing.
48. What did you do last night? Watched TV, ate a sandwich, watched some more TV, went to bed and watched a little more TV, fell asleep while listening to an episode of South Park.
49. What are you afraid of? Bats, bees, wasps, dying alone and unloved, my mother finding out the deep, dark secrets I have been hiding from her all these years.
50. Salty or sweet? Preferably both together, like chocolate covered pretzels or similar.
51. How many keys on your key ring? Six, but I don’t know what three of them go to and I am afraid to throw them away.
52. How many years at your current job? 50 million (but HR seems to be under the impression that it’s only been about 15)
53. Favorite day of the week? Usually Saturday, but I will have to say that any day that I am not at work is a great day.
54. How many towns have you lived in? Twelve
55. Do you make friends easily? Yes but none really seem to last.
56. How many people will you send this to? Why? Is there a limit? Will I be penalized if I go over the limit? I want to speak to an attorney. I plead the fifth. Bite me.
57. How many will respond? If I knew the answer to this question, I would be playing the lottery in every state of the US.

Feel free to tell me your answers to these questions in the comments if you want to.

TTFN.

Poor Little Echo

About two weeks ago my neighbor’s car met with a disaster. Poor little Echo; it never saw it coming.

It happened in the midst of a raging windstorm. And when I say raging, I mean that I actually took the vacuum cleaner out of the tiny hall closet and put some pillows, a blanket, my tennis shoes and my cell phone in there – just in case. I even wore my best nightie lest rescue was required by some hunky firefighters after my roof collapsed…sorry, what was I saying? Oh yes. I had brought our large, black, wheeled, city issued trashcans up against the duplex for safekeeping; mine had already been blown over twice, so I just left it. This way it would not blow over again in the middle of the night and scare the bejezus out of me like it usually does. The winds were blowing at a sustained 60mph, gusting up to 95. I went to bed and had just started drifting off to sleep; it was 10:45pm. Suddenly a large crash woke me up; it sounded like my neighbor had run over one of the large trashcans. Bummer, I thought, not terribly concerned. But then as I stared to be more awake, I remembered that the trashcans were up against the duplex; there was no way the neighbor could have run over one of them. Their SUV was already in the driveway, but his wife usually parked their little Echo car in the driveway behind it. Then I had the odd feeling of remembering the sound of glass breaking. And I realized that there were headlights shining in my bedroom window (which faces the street). Things just seemed odd to me so I got out of bed and tiptoed into the living room and peeked through the vertical blinds looking into the front yard. I could see what appeared to be a vehicle blocking our driveway, still running with the offending headlights shining in my bedroom window. I didn’t have my contacts in so I was blind as a bat and without the benefit of sonar. It seemed like there were people, or at least a person, walking back and forth, in and out of the driveway. Eventually I heard voices but couldn’t make out what they were saying. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but when I heard my neighbor say, “Are you sure you’re OK?” I thought – something is seriously going on. I ran and got my jeans on, threw on a shirt and a pair of flip-flops and ran out the front door to get the scoop.

It turns out that my neighbor’s wife did not park the Echo in the driveway behind the SUV, she had parked it on the curb on their side of the duplex. A large, old pickup truck, sturdily built and with a monster grill guard on it had plowed into the back of it, sending it down the street about 35 feet, up onto the sidewalk wiping out the mailboxes. It was hard to see in the dark, but I got a pretty good idea of the carnage. It was a good thing that the neighbor’s wife and their young daughter were not actually in the car (everyone was in the house and turning in for the night when this happened), because as you can see from the pictures there ain’t a whole lot left of the little Echo. I took these pictures with my cell phone the next morning as I was going to work.

I got the impression that the driver of the pickup was not intoxicated, and seemed to be very cooperative with my neighbor and the police officers that showed up about five minutes later. I haven’t gotten to discuss the whole story with the neighbors as our schedules are quite out of sync and I rarely see them in person. Our mailboxes were finally replaced about a week later, but the old smashed ones were still in my yard this morning; but they were gone when I got home from work today.

Poor little Echo.

I Love You, Mom

I know that yesterday was Mother’s Day, but I grew up in a household that does not celebrate such holidays. Every day was Mother’s or Father’s day; we didn’t need Hallmark to tell us when it was the appropriate time to say so.

Having said that, I hope that dear old Mom won’t mind if I pay a small tribute to her today. After all, it isn’t Mother’s Day today, right? Right.

Mom – I just want to tell you that I love you. I appreciate you. I don’t know what I will do without you.

Me and Mom, 1967

Even though we have butted heads about things in the past, and will in the present and the future, I want you to know that I appreciate everything you have done for me. When Daddy died, I know that you wanted to pack up the house and move to Washington to be with your mother and your brothers. I was going to be a freshman in high school that year and didn’t want to start yet another new school. I wanted to stay in California with the people I had come to know as my friends and the ones that I finally felt at home and comfortable with. You made the sacrifice to stay where we were so that I could finish school where I felt comfortable. I didn’t realize then how hard that must have been for you, but I did understand later. Thank you so much for that.

I know that you think that I don’t read or appreciate all the little articles that you clip and mail to me; all the things about money and finances, migraine headaches, and identity theft; weight loss and the benefits of vitamins; depression; etc. I do read them; some of them get saved in my “important stuff” files that I have; some make me laugh, some make me mad, but I know that you were thinking of me and my well being when you read them.

I love the two volume cookbook that you made for me, full of recipes from my grandmother, my great-aunt, my aunts and uncles; recipes that were Daddy’s favorites. I love all of the little pictures that you painstakingly cut out of magazines and catalogs that are of things that you know I love, and things that make me smile and laugh. I remember that day when they arrived at work, without warning, and how I showed them to everyone and cried all day because I was so touched by them. I still haven’t made any of the recipes yet, but I love to take them down off the shelf and just look through them.

Me and Mom in my great aunt Ruth's pool, 1968

I know it isn’t enough to say, “Thanks for everything, Mom.” But, thanks for everything, Mom. I love you.

Don’t Know Much About History…

The new season of The Tudors has started on ShowTime, and I am hooked once again. I’ll tell ya, if they had had this series back when I was in high school, I can guarantee you that I would have paid a lot closer attention to my history lessons!! You think that politicians today are corrupt and seedy? They can’t hold a candle to Henry VIII. He was one seriously messed up dude, and Jonathan Rhys Myers plays him fabulously. I love all the costumes and jewelry; the horses and riding are first rate; and all the women are drop dead gorgeous. Some people think it was such a romantic time to be living and think that living amongst the King’s Court would have been wonderful; um, I am thinking not so much.

You never knew who was going to stick a knife in your back or for what reason; disease ran rampant and doctors had no clue how to treat you if they couldn’t use leeches; the everyday person was severely oppressed; and if you were female, can you imagine trying to go to the bathroom in those gowns they wore?? Yeah, funny how they never show that kind of stuff on the show.

I wonder if they will ever come out with a series that deals with US history. It would be interesting to see what kinds of behind the scenes info (meaning dirt and scandal, obviously) they could dig up. I am ashamed to admit that I was one of those kids in school that never really paid attention to American History. We are pretty boring with our powdered wigs and buckle shoes in comparison to European Kings that go through wives like Kleenex, chopping off heads willy-nilly every time a wife has a daughter instead of a son, or if a younger maiden catches his eye.

Although, you do see a lot of that type of behavior in every day current American life; just watch Snapped on the Oxygen channel, or Forensic Files on A&E. Or your evening news for that matter.

Scary.

It is also baseball season once again. I think I have mentioned this once before, but I used to be a huge baseball fan – even back before I was physically huge. I say “used to be” because when all the ball players went on strike back in the 90’s for more money, it really ruined it for me.

Gee, I’m so sorry that 10 million dollars a year isn’t enough for you to be paid for hitting a little ball with a stick, and that you make more than ER doctors, firefighters, police officers, and other people who actually make a difference in the world by treating the injured, healing the sick and dying, and generally putting their lives on the line every single day.

I’m sorry, where was I? Oh yes. Sorry, I have digressed once again (do they make a pill for that without the side effect of anal leakage?). Anyhoo, it gets me by until football season starts again. I put the game on and then go about my business doing other stuff around the house, listening to the game but not really watching it. Just doing that kind of brings back memories: when I was a kid, we always had baseball on the tube (Dad was a ginormous fan), and it would usually be hot enough in California for the air conditioner to be running in the house; Mom would do her mounds of ironing while watching the game and I would usually fall asleep on the couch listening to Vin Skulley’s voice combined with the hiss of the steam from the iron. Good times. Dad would usually wake me up because he would be hollering at the TV over a bad call. (Why do guys do that? Tip: THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU. But the neighbors can, and they don’t care if he was safe or out. Chill.)

Anything good on the tube that you are enjoying these days?

TTFN.

Happy (?) IRS Day

Did you remember to mail off your taxes today? I did. I have a very handy built-in reminder.

Today is my birthday.

You know what I did for my birthday today? I mailed the IRS a check for $475.

Its times like these that make me realize how I have absolutely no life.

Happy Frickin Birthday to me.

TTFN.

Need Money for Karate Lessons

This morning I have dusted off the soap box, gotten out my step ladder, and am now atop said box ready to give you my two cents. Ahem.

I am starting to get really disappointed with the Today Show. It comes on at 7am here, and I usually watch it while getting dressed for work (otherwise known as the fabulously fun game of SOCKS, SOCKS, WHERE THE HELL ARE MY SOCKS?!). Tomorrow Meredith V. is interviewing – sorry, conducting an IN DEPTH interview – with Kate Gosselin.

Why?

First of all, I don’t see how IN DEPTH the interview can be when this person is more shallow than a cake pan. Also, shouldn’t stuff like that be relegated to Entertainment Tonight? Or at least to the fourth hour of the Today Show with Hoda and Cathy Lee (that I am pretty sure no one watches or if they are, they are in a coma by the time it reaches this point and are unable to reach the clicker)? Is the world of top notch journalism so slow these days that an interview with this person is the best they can do? Is the war in Iraq over? What about the President of Poland being killed in that plane wreck? Isn’t the President of the US putting through a new health care bill that will affect us all? I would love to know what the bill is exactly; and I don’t mean listening to Senators and Congresspeople yelling at each other about it, I want to know what it is supposed to do for us all. Heck, Kate’s got eight children; maybe she would like to be better informed about it. Although, she is pretty busy sucking on Dancing With The Stars right now, so maybe she is postponing her study of it for later. And I’m sorry – why hasn’t she been voted off yet? My bedside table dances better than her. I think that Joel McHale over on E’s The Soup gets people to vote for her, just so that they can make fun of her week after week (WIN!).

And I am really tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and Jesse James. I’m sorry – I know that there are people out there that suffer from sex addiction, and I am not talking about them; but just being a walking douche bag with a ton of cash that can’t keep its fly zipped does not qualify you as such. If you are going to hump everything in sight then scream REHAB at the top of your lungs, please stop marrying people and reproducing. Go live in your limo down by the river, and keep your disgusting habits to yourself. And that goes for the entire cast of Jersey Shore as well.

Why can’t regular, everyday, next-door-neighbor type people be featured on the Today Show? You know, the ones that are working a day job, or two jobs plus night school, that are managing to take care of their aging parents, raise four kids that aren’t pregnant or on drugs, and volunteer their time to raise money for cancer patients? Oh, not shocking enough? Are you kidding me? I have a feeling that a lot of people don’t think those types of people exist anymore. Who would you rather have as a role model for your kids? A pseudo-celebrity that is only good at pimping out their children for fame and cash and then doing IN DEPTH interviews to whine about the fame; another pseudo-celeb that is only good at hitting a little tiny ball into a little tiny hole with a stick but damn can he sell shoes; or someone that works hard for their money, doesn’t complain about it (much) and manages to be a good person without asking for the world to be delivered to them, in their dressing room, on a silver platter and manages to keep off the nose candy and stay out of rehab? Hmmmmm…gee, it’s so hard to choose.

Phew. I think my soap box is on fire, so I believe I will step down now.

On a lighter note: this weekend while I was out running some errands, I saw a young man panhandling down by the MetraPark. I noticed as I approached the corner where he had set himself up that he was talking to a gal in another car that had already stopped for the light. As he jogged back across the lane in front of me, he held up his cardboard sign for me to read. It said, “My family was killed by ninjas; need money for karate lessons.” I nearly gave him $5 just for the laugh he gave me.

Now THAT guy should be on the Today Show.

TTFN.

Love Your Local Library

I love to read.

I mean that. And I don’t mean People magazine, or Reader’s Digest; I love books. Big, fat, heavy books. Not only are they great for smashing spiders, but they can transport you to anywhere in world; any time in history; and you can be whomever you wish.

My father loved to read and I think that he passed that love on to my sister and me. He was always reading; he read stories and poetry to me almost every night until I was about 12. I miss that. I still have two of the poetry books that he read to me out of, and I treasure them.

When I was a kid, I loved trips to the library with Dad. We would hit the door and go our separate ways and then meet up an hour later. Sometimes I would beg to stay a little longer, and sometimes we would. There was something so profoundly satisfying about leaving that musty old place with armfuls of books.

I like to read a variety of stuff; I’m not a huge fan of non-fiction for some reason, and I don’t care for romance novels either. I went through a stage in junior high with one of my best pals where we read every single Barbara Cartland romance we could get our hands on. We collected them and traded them, dreamed about them, and talked about them until I thought my mother would lose her mind. Eventually I caught on that there were only about six different plot lines; dear Barbara just changed the countries, names, and hair color of the people involved and just kept cranking those suckers out! I love mystery novels and collected Agatha Christie novels too. I still have a bunch of them. I also read her biography and loved it! I have that book and will always keep it on my shelf. I love anything having to do with psychology and forensics. I find both fields to be extremely interesting; if I had gotten the opportunity to go to college, I would have studied both of those subjects. I also like horror – Steven King is a favorite, but he can get a little too…out there…for even me sometimes. I am not a huge fan of ghosts or anything dealing with the occult; I do like ghost stories to an extent, but not if having the book in my possession is going to start rearranging the furniture in my living room, you know what I mean? Yeah. That’s not fun. Having said that, I just finished one and am starting another ghost story novel. And I do not care for vampire novels at all!! You aren’t going to see me roped into the Twilight series. Period.

I do like monsters and space aliens too; and I love it when I read a book and think to myself, Wow – that would make a great movie, and then POOF! I’m at the movie theater a few weeks, months, or a year later and there it is – the book I read and the previews for the movie. I had read Jurassic Park almost three years before the movie came out; my sister and I had both read it and thought it would be the most awesome movie, and when we saw the previews for it we nearly beat each other to death with glee. It was one of the few movies made from a book that I thought really stuck to the original. It is so incredibly disappointing to love a book then see a movie that doesn’t live up to it. The Da Vinci Code was definitely one, and I never saw Angels and Demons but I heard it was disappointing as well. Sometimes I just know that a movie isn’t going to cut it so I won’t bother; but sometimes I am pleasantly surprised. Which can be awesome. The Relic was an awesome book, and the movie did pretty well at sticking to the basic plot. The DVD of the movie is in my collection.

I am also more drawn to paperbacks rather than hardbacks. I love a paperback because I can stick it in my purse and joyfully carry it around with me. I rarely buy tiny purses; any new purse must be large enough to contain at least one paperback book. I read them everywhere: work, restaurants, movie theaters, in traffic. I read them at restaurants because it makes me feel less alone, and I find that if I don’t have any company to share the meal with, reading is a good substitute. And it keeps me from looking at all the happy families and/or couples and feeling sorry for myself for being there alone. The same with movies; I don’t often go the theaters anymore – they are too expensive, and who wants to go see a movie all by themselves? But I believe that some films must be seen on the big screen to be fully appreciated (like the Star Wars films, or 300, etc.) so I will suck it up and go. I like to arrive early so that I can sit in my favorite spot (in stadium seating, top row, dead center) and I don’t miss any previews. So, during the 10-15 minutes of uncomfortable dead time, I read. It makes the wait go by faster and I don’t obsess about whether or not people are staring at me and wondering why I am there alone. And, if you are stuck at a red light that seems to take forever? Whip out your book and read one sentence -I guarantee the light will change; this also works for slow moving drive-thrus. The other reason I like paperbacks is that I refuse to pay $25 for a hardback. Unless it’s something I know I will treasure and want to keep forever.

In these…let’s say challenging…economic times, I have found myself returning to the library more often. I can check out armfuls of hardback books for free. I love to go onto my favorite bookstore site (Powell Books in Portland, OR) to snuffle around and see what books are out there that I might like. When I find something, I flip over to my local library’s website and open the catalog to search for it. If they have it, I make a note of the call numbers and when I have a few on my list, I make a library run. It’s been great – I had forgotten how great. If I hate a book, I can just return it. No questions, no refunds, no problem. I can check out whole collections of a single author’s work and read them back to back in order. I can check out cookbooks and copy just the recipes I like instead of buying an entire book with 892 recipes that I hate and will never make. Sometimes doing that will lead me to a different book by the same person that I will purchase for permanent residence on my cookbook shelf. Sometimes I will preview a book this way, and if I like it enough I will go out and buy my own copy.

Love your local library. If you haven’t been there in a while, check it out (no pun intended). Turn your kids onto the miracle of reading. It’s not just for billboards and menus these days.

TTFN.

A New Goal

Some of you may know that I also have a weight loss blog; there is a link to it on the right side of this page. I haven’t had anything nice to say about my weight loss journey for quite a while, so I have been neglecting it. Bad blogger – bad girl!! But I have a new goal; a new Twinkie on a stick if you will. I have detailed it on the other blog and will keep track of the details over there, but will also post updates here too.

Here is the basic scoop:

I am still working with my therapist on the issues that cause me to run straight to food for comfort; the hard part is that it is basically everything in my life! I have a lot of holes in my heart and soul, and I recognize now that I use food as a kind of spackle to try to fill those holes. Now I just have to work on finding other ways to fill those holes instead of using food. No more donuts as dry wall. It may take a while, but I’ll get there.

So I have decided to change tactics.

One of my nieces sent me an email yesterday that has lit a fire under me for a couple of reasons. Her father, my sister’s ex-brother-in-law, has ALS (better known as Lou Gehrig’s disease), and she is getting people together to be a team for an upcoming ALS walk. We traded a few emails back and forth, and then I got an idea – why not find out when the walk is? If I haven’t moved back to Washington yet, I will do it here in Billings by myself in honor of him.

Turns out the walk is September 26th. I will definitely be back on the west coast by then, so I told my niece to sign me up to be on her team.

It’s a three mile walk. She is going to start training for it with one of my other nieces next week. I am going to have to train on my own, at least until I move, but I am going to start this weekend and the goal is to have some endurance built up by the time I move this summer. Then I can finish my training out there.

So – there you have it. My new goal. I hope that I can really do this; it would be great for my health, my self esteem, my brain, my heart (in every sense), my soul, my karma. Not only will I be benefiting myself, but I can also be a part of helping others as well. I feel like since this goal is not just about ME, but a part of something bigger than me that is for the benefit of others, that it is something that I will actually follow through on.

And if that is what it takes, then Bring. It. On.

TTFN.

Ah Spring…whatever that means

So, I haven’t been blogging lately. Anyone notice? Yeah, I thought not. I am pretty sure, regardless of what my visitor counter says, that no one really reads this (except you, Laurie! Thanks for your support girl!!). I think most of the numbers on there are me checking to see if anyone is checking. Hurt.

But, I want to be more diligent in my writing. I love to write. Unfortunately, most of what I write stays written only on the little grey cells (as Hercule Poirot would say) and never seems to make it to the page (paper or virtual). That has been happening a lot lately.

Sometimes people who find out that I write a blog ask me what it’s about. … I don’t really know. It’s about stuff. And things. Ramblings, thoughts, occurrences; things I’ve done or read or seen; things I am thinking about doing or reading or seeing.

If you read my blog, let me know. If you have one of your own and you want me to read it, let me know. I love blogs; I think I am addicted to them. Is there a 12 step program for that? I hope not. I like being addicted to them. My mom doesn’t get it, but that’s OK. She doesn’t “get” a lot of things, but I still love her. But that is a blog all its own.

Sissy keeps encouraging me to write; she says I have a knack for it. I hope so! I started a novel a few years ago but haven’t been working on it very much lately. I dug it out and have decided to start pecking away at it again. I also found a second story that I started around the same time but had forgotten about; I am going to try to get that one going again as well.

I came into contact with a lovely person on an answer forum that I belong to. We had actually been discussing my situation of still being single at…my age…and the fact that my last date had been over 25 years ago, and I was asking for tips on how to get myself back out there in the social scene. I think that social skills can be like speaking a foreign language: if you don’t use it, you lose it. I have no clue how to talk to guys, or anyone really for that matter, when I am face to face with them. I really don’t have any life experience to speak of, so if we aren’t talking about work, sports, movies or the great state of Montana, I am tapped out for subjects. I feel like I have squat all in common with other human beings and trying to talk to people just makes me want to crawl under the floor boards sometimes. I can ramble on and on when I am just an anonymous voice on the internet or in email… But I digress. This lovely lady is a published author and is going to help try to help me form a writer’s group at the local library. Even though I will be moving in a few months, even if I don’t get this group off the ground here, maybe I can get one off the ground in Washington. I will keep you informed on that.

Anyhoo, spring is coming and I love spring. I think I was actually supposed to be a bear in this life. I have a tendency to hibernate during the winter. At least that is how I try to explain away the weight gain, grumpiness, and general desire to stay indoors under the covers where it is warm and just watch TV all the live-long day. Do bears watch TV? They probably would if they had a remote with larger buttons and cable.

But the days are getting longer now, and warmer, and the little critters are starting to pop their heads up out of their hidey holes and the grass is starting to get green again. Which means I will have to eventually dig out the lawn mower at some point. Dang. I HATE mowing the lawn and this year I will not be able to afford to pay someone to do it for me. Oh well. I’ll be moving soon and hopefully I won’t have to do it too many times before I can bid adieu to that stupid thing at my garage sale. Along with the edger/weed eater and leaf blower that I have never used but somehow have managed to lose the manuals for. Hmmm…I will have to look for those! We have rabbits that live in the empty lots across the street from our office building, and gophers too. I made the mistake early on here of referring to them as Prairie Dogs; I was on no uncertain terms corrected. I don’t care what they are, I think they are cute. Of course, they aren’t living in my lawn so I can think that if I want to. So there. Pfft.

So as the days get longer and I start to come out of my hibernation, I promise to be more diligent in keeping in touch on here. All I ask in return is, if you are out there drop me a note to say hi, OK? It’s lonely here in cyberspace. Thanks.

TTFN.

Day Off!

I took today off from work to chill out or whatever I felt I needed to do. Even though it's been S-L-O-W as molasses in winter (very appropriate analogy, actually) I have been burnt out and in need of a little R&R. I suffer from chronic headaches and migraines, and lately they have been driving me out of my gourd. It felt so good today to just get out in the sunshine and fresh air! Florescent lighting makes me want to scream after a while.

I couldn't decide what to do with this extra day; should I sleep in? Take a drive? Both? Neither? I hated to waste it by sleeping all day, but that is what usually makes my head feel better. After a little discussion on Facebook, I decided to sleep in a little, then take a drive with my camera. I really can't afford the gas, but it was worth it.

I decided to head to Red Lodge, then make the loop through Roscoe, Absorakee, and Columbus, then back to Billings. Here is Lake Elmo State Park, just about 3 blocks up the street from my place. It's still frozen over, but is starting to get a few little areas where it's starting to thaw since the weather has been in the low 40's for a few days. But before I started out on my little road trip, I needed to perform a little maintenance.

Poor 'ol Rodeo; I don't treat her as well as I should, but she runs great for me all the time anyway. I got my hands all grimy from get the oil tank thingy lid off; however, a fortunate side effect of being a junk food junkie is that I always have tons of napkins in the rig! YAY!

And I had to be sure I had my trusty, musty map book too!

These map books are a must if you decide to go road tripping in your state. If you can find one for where you live, I highly recommend them. They show every single little highway, mountain road, logging road, river, lake, stream, etc. in a grid format. I love mine! It's faded from the sun and warped from tons of miscellaneous spilled liquids. I never leave home without it. Just don't sniff it. Trust me. Seriously bad idea.

I then headed on over to Taco John's for a bottle of water and a bacon, egg, and potato burrito (YAY - more napkins!). I whipped into their tiny parking lot and planned my route. Then it was off to the Interstate!

I left Taco John's at 10:20am. Got on I-90 and headed west, set the cruise at 65 and munched on my burrito. Eight miles from Laurel, the speed limit changes to 75; I up my speed to 70 and reset the cruise. I hate driving 75. My poor Rodeo doesn't need that kind of stress and I am sucking gas fast enough, thank you very much.

I took exit 434 for Laurel and Red Lodge; took only 10 minutes. Hung a left at the light onto highway 212 West. Now only 44 miles to Red Lodge! Here you can see the highway to Red Lodge with the Bear Tooth Mountains in the distance.

As I entered the town of Joliet, I passed this handsome fellow outside the Charles Ringer Studio and Gallery. I love his toes!

Just outside of Roberts, I saw this magnificent creature. I had to stop and capture him! He nearly got me into trouble too; the road has no shoulder, but there were no cars coming in either direction. I pulled over as far as I could and jumped out, snapped a few pictures, then ran back across the road to jump in the rig. As I was putting my seat belt on, a dark car pulled up next to me and stopped; I looked over and nearly had a stroke - a Montana Sheriff!! He gave me his best get-your-fat-butt-outta-here gesture and I immediately gave him my most sincere Holy-Crap-officer-didn't-see-you-sorry-I'm-going-RIGHT-NOW-gesture. I think my only saving grace was that he had two guys in his back seat that it appeared he was, um, transporting to Red Lodge and he didn't want to try to write me a ticket in the middle of the road with them in the car. WHEW!!! There were some other nifty things I would have stopped to clicky-clicky at, but I was too shook up!

So, now I arrive at Red Lodge. I thought that I would have a nice mosey around town, maybe find a little bakery to be bad in; no one's going to be there on a weekday in winter, right? Wrong. The streets were all heavily lined with cars and there was no where to park; it appeared that there were also some chartered buses full of people arriving, so I said NEVER MIND! I went to the local super market and got a hot dog and a drink, then ate them in the car.

So now I am leaving Red Lodge and am on my way to Roscoe. The scenery was so beautiful!!! Unfortunately, it is a very narrow and windy highway with less shoulder than before, so it's hard to find a place to pull over. But here are a few I managed to take when I found a place to pull over:

After passing by Luther, I passed the house that was for sale that had been infested by Barn Wrens; I blogged about that place about two years or so ago. It looked so forlorn; nothing has been done to it since the last time I saw it, but it does appear that the birds are gone (for now).

I was just passing the sign that said ROSCOE when I crossed over the East Rosebud Creek and saw a cow standing down in the creek! I knew I had to capture that!

That water had to be soooo cold - but it would definitely be refreshing! Here is the stream from the other side of the bridge:

After Roscoe, there was this historical marker, along with a memorial erected in 1938 for an old Montana pastor:I also really liked this fence post at the same site:

I moved on and took the frontage road from Columbus to Park City, a road that I have seen several times but had never been on. I am so glad I took it! I passed this and had to turn around and go back for a second look:

This is some sort of spill way that flows out and down into a little stream below. Did you catch that it is frozen solid? That water that looks like it is spilling down is a frozen solid column of water, and so is the big, thick mound at the bottom that looks like water splashing up!! Cool, huh?

I finally got back home at about 3:30pm. It was a lovely day and I am glad I took advantage of it.

Now I need a nap.

TTFN.

Om nom nom...

Since it has been so mind numbingly S-L-O-W at work, I spend a lot of time on the internet. I found several new blogs that I am greatly enjoying and have added them to my list of favs on the right. None of the blog authors have asked me to mention them; in fact, only one of them know I even exist! I am driving myself completely crazy reading recipes, coveting mad kitchen skills, and having the creativity spot in my brain stimulated. All while being chained to my desk at work so I can't do anything about it. ERRGG!!!

One of the things that is happening to me as I read these wonderful, wonderful blogs (besides feeling like a complete boob in the kitchen) is that I want to try new things. Reading about new ingredients and cooking techniques has reawakened my desire to get into the kitchen and cook. These blogs list recipes and have beautiful pictures of step-by-step instructions; it kinda makes me want to dump my blog in the trash when I compare mine to them, especially since I seriously doubt that anyone will want to tune into my blog to watch step by step photographs of me opening and nuking a Smart Ones frozen entree or ordering pizza online. But it also wants me to be more creative with my writing and documenting stuff on my blog. So, I am going to try to do just that.

I was reading one of them yesterday - inomthings.com. Ila was writing about these cool things called "roux blocks"; they look like blocks of chocolate and you just chop some or all of it up and simmer it with the rest of your ingredients for yummy sauces. How cool is that?? She has a post about making Hayashi rice and you can buy a hayashi roux block to make the sauce. Well, she can where she lives - this is Billings, Montana. If you can't buy it at Costco, Wal Mart, or Albertson's, you are pretty much SOL as that is all we have out here. And considering that most food markets use the local gastronomic leanings to govern what they purchase for their shelves, the shelves here pretty much lean towards beef and white bread; we aren't very diverse out here. But, inspired by the recipe, I went to the only store in Billings that I thought just might carry something like a roux block - Cost Plus World Market. I luuurve this store, but I have to stay far, far away from the dinner ware, bake ware and candy aisles as it is very easy to spend all of my rent money on stuff for the only room in the house I don't really use - the kitchen/dining room. I was also excited to go out shopping last night because we have finally gotten some warm weather (this means above 32F) and all of the parking lots are finally starting to de-ice. So I went trucking back to the food aisles, determined to find something neat and yummy to try. No roux blocks; in fact, their Asian food aisle was more like a shelf and a half of rice and assorted noodle-y things, a few bottles of teriyaki sauce, and a few pre-packaged fortune cookies. Dang. But, as you can see from the photo below, I did find a few treasures.

The Haribo fruit salad candy is one of my all time favs; the Napolitanke cookies are lemon orange flavored (yum!) and actually fit in really well with the lower carb/low sugar style of eating I am trying really hard to adopt; the two sodas are not such a great fit with that plan (and neither is the fruit salad candy, I know - leave me alone), but I am a sucker for interesting and unusual fizzy drinks - these are an old fashioned black cherry soda and a Key Lime cream soda; and the last item is a jar of Korma Curry sauce - a coconut flavored sauce with Indian spices. The directions say that all I have to do is saute some cubed chicken in a little oil until cooked through, dump in the jar of sauce and let simmer for 20 minutes. I think that I can handle that, even with my severely stunted cooking skills. I think I will add some onions and mushrooms to it as well, and perhaps try my hand at making some couscous to have with it.

Now all I need is a clean skillet.

TTFN.

I Want To Be More Than Someone In The Stands With A Wet Butt…

I love watching the Olympics, but for me it is a two-edged sword. Let me explain.

I am an emotional person – which is actually kind of an understatement. Lots of things make me cry these days: movies, sporting events, commercials, commercials about movies about sporting events…you get the picture. The Olympics are no exception. The opening ceremony is usually something I kind of skip through, but I love watching the parade of athletes. I am inspired by the countries that have just a single athlete – the alpine skier from some desert country that has never even seen snow before, etc. I start to tear up as the Olympic flame comes into the stadium, the look of pride and excitement on the faces of those honored to carry it, a slight fear if this could be the year that someone trips and falls and the flames goes out. I love to cheer on the underdog, even when they are in direct competition with the good old USA. And of course this year there was the terrible tragedy before the games had even officially started, and of course the media will not let anyone forget about it, even for one single second; tormenting the family needlessly by camping out on their front doorstep (literally), asking the question that only tip-top journalists could come up with: How do you feel? Dude, seriously? HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK THEY FEEL??? Your parents paid how much money for that degree in journalism?? Thank you so much for that insightful insight there Skippy. But I digress…

Oh yes, the two edged sword thing, right. It is a two edged sword because I am so inspired by so many of the athletes; many come from war-torn countries, or train with no sponsors and no money with sub-par equipment or training facilities. Some families make massive sacrifices so their children can pursue the dream of dreams, mortgaging the family home or quitting their jobs to devote themselves full time to their sport of choice. The athletes train from sun up to sun down for years to just be in the hunt, with no guarantee that there will be medals of precious metals in their future. They have self discipline and dedication up the ying yang. And some of those athletes come in dead last (someone has to) and are just as proud of that as they would be if they had brought home gold. To just be able to say “I was there and I participated” fulfills a lifetime of dreams for them. I honestly have to say that I think I admire them a little more than some of those who stand on the podium at the end of the day, listening to their country’s national anthem fill the stadium and their fans cheering for them. I see and hear their stories and they make me weep. Yes, literally weep. I am so happy for them and proud of them and my heart breaks and the floodgates open. Man the lifeboats, Skippy! We’re taking on water!!

And here is where the flip side of the sword comes into play. The tears of pride often turn to tears of bitterness and self-pity. No, I was never a contender for the Olympics in any way, but sometimes I wonder – what if? What if my life had played out differently? What if I had learned to develop some sort of self-discipline and “no fear” attitude? Where would I be now? Probably not on the podium at the Olympics, but probably not 200lbs overweight and without relationships in my life either. And most of the time, it makes me weep because I feel like it’s too late for me. I have wasted away the last 25 years of my life and along with it, my youth. Too late to pursue dreams, too late for success, just flat out too late…for anything.

But that’s not really true, is it? (That’s a rhetorical question there, Skippy.) The Iron Man competition has divisions for those 60+ years old that participate. There are thousands of 40+ people that run in marathons every year. Now, I am not saying that it is one of my dreams to be an elite athlete (although I do dream of the Iron Man) (stop laughing – I really do!!); but I don’t want to continue life as a spectator, watching others fulfill their dreams while I sit on a soggy bleacher getting my butt wet.

How do I start? When do I finally say – with conviction – today is the day that I change my life?

TTFN.

It’s 12pm – Do You Know Where Your Chicken Is?

I haven’t been blogging lately because I don’t have anything worth talking about. Nothing is going on in my life except some negative stuff, and I didn’t really want to go on here just to whine. However, I will mention:

• Still working on my weight; still not making any progress.
• Still haven’t gotten my bankruptcy filed; still having 25% of my wages garnished. I have everything thing I need to get it done except for the back bone to open my mail and to gather up all the scary paper work.
• My only friend has decided that she is not interested in being my friend anymore and has subsequently and efficiently cut me out of her life without a whisper.
• My rosacea seems to have pitched itself to a height never documented in medical journals and makes me wish that wearing veils over the face is an accepted practice in our culture.
• I haven’t been able to see my therapist for the last two weeks due to snow; she works from her home on a treacherous neighborhood corner where it is not uncommon for vehicles to smash head-on into each other, hit her tree in the front yard, or to even hit her HOUSE when the streets are covered with snow and ice like they have been for weeks now. I see her on Saturdays; even though this week has been new-snow-free, there is an 80% chance of snow tomorrow. I don’t care if it’s MY vehicle that hits her house; I am going to be there tomorrow!!
• Valentine’s Day is the day after tomorrow. 25 years in a row without anyone in my life, and the streak remains unbroken. You’d think that I would be used to it by now and that I would have found some way to deal with it and make sure it doesn’t get to me; but I haven’t. And it hurts. Badly. Nothing like two months of hype and promotion by every single means possible just to remind you that no one loves you to make you feel worse about yourself and more alone in the world. Thanks Hallmark!

Even though it has been mind-numbingly slow at the 8-5 day job, it has been a nice opportunity for me to troll the internet, looking for nifty cup cake recipes. Sis and I are totally hooked on the idea of making them for profit in the future when I get moved out there, and I have found several awesome blogs that are devoted either entirely to cup cakes, or to cooking in various forms. The down side of all this lovely recipe reading is that I am pretty sure I have gained back the 10 lbs I recently lost and gained another five just by reading them! Doesn’t drooling burn calories? No? It should. Judging by the puddle on my desk around my keyboard, you would think that I would at least loose the water weight I seem to be retaining in my feet. Sheesh!!

And now for a completely unrelated thought.

Yesterday, as I stepped out of the front door on my way out of the office for lunch, I noticed a chicken lying on the sidewalk in front of the building. Not a live chicken, mind you; this was a raw chicken – whole – still in the plastic wrapper from the grocery store. Just lying there in the sun, trying to be unobtrusive, just hanging out. My brain kind of locked up for a second as I passed by it (uh, is that a chicken??). Yes, I passed by it, since I was on my way to the parking lot and what was I going to do with it if I picked it up? Let it ride in the seat next to me on my way to Mickey D’s for lunch? Um…no. I did my lunch thing and when I came back, it was still there. Now, you need to understand that we don’t get a huge amount of foot traffic in front of our building since it is in kind of an industrial end of town; most of the people that pass by the front of our building are either working here, coming here to conduct some kind of business with us, or are part of the group of homeless and - how do I put this – inebriated type persons that tend to wander around down here. So you see, the thought of someone walking from nowhere to nowhere and not realizing that they had lost an ENTIRE CHICKEN along the way made my brain hurt a little. I picked up the chicken, gingerly and with two fingers, trying hard not to let it touch me or anything I may consider touching in the near future, and brought it into the office with me much to the incredulous laughter of the guys. Yes, they saw it too and were content to let sleeping dogs…er chickens…lie. I threw it in the garbage and washed my hands for about a half an hour. For the rest of the day and most of the evening I tried to imagine who the heck had lost this chicken. When did they notice? And how pissed off were they?

TTFN.

FASHION AND THE FAT GIRL

One of the things that I really miss about my former self is dressing well. I haven’t bothered to dress up at all since I was about 20 or so; that is when I really started packing on the pounds and started to slack off on attending my religious meetings. Those were really the only opportunities I had to put on my great heels and feel pretty.

Since giving up on me, it’s pretty rare to see me in anything other than elastic waist jeans (horror) and t-shirts. If I do have to wear a dress for some sort of occasion, it is usually some formless sack that hangs from my shoulders; and since I am on the vertically-challenged side (that means short), the dress and or skirt usually hits about 2” above swollen ankles or it hits the floor. Not my best look.

My ankles swell up pretty bad if I am wearing any shoe without some type of arch support – this being because I have managed to flatten my arch into non-existence from carrying all this extra weight around. Walking on your tip-toes in stilettos is not the same thing as arch support. And now that my girls are so big from all the weight, when I slip into a pair of high heels I have a tendency to be top and front heavy and lead with my forehead. Need I reiterate, not really an attractive look for me.

On Friday I sent in an application for a job in Chehalis, WA. After sending it in and being all giddy about what might happen if they did hire me ($3.50 more per hour, great benefits, etc.), I suddenly had a panic attack – what if they have a dress code??? We have a dress code here that pretty much amounts to no flip-flops, no short-shorts, and no holes in your jeans. What if this place hires me and I have to wear a skirt everyday? Oh…help.

My closet consists of three different pairs of the afore mentioned elastic waist jeans (black, stonewash, and khaki), about 10 different t-shirts, one pair of LL Bean black mocs, one pair of tenny-runners, and one pair of black Ariat lace up boots – heavily scuffed. It also consists of about 5 pairs of very shiny black high heels that have never seen the light of day, and never will until I lose about 150 lbs to avoid embarrassing forehead leading accidents.

This leads me (finally) into the thought that brought up the title for today’s post: Where the heck does a 5’3” tall 325lb (give or take) potato of a mature woman with teen-age taste find clothes that fit and do not require a wholesaler’s license from Nieman Marcus and an address in NYC or LA to purchase? There are places to buy such items (but not in Montana, I can assure you), but I don’t have $325 to pay for a single skirt. Plus the fact that my bra bottom currently takes up the same piece of real estate around my mid-section that the waist band of said skirt would wish to occupy, along with the undergarments required to tuck, smooth and shape the rest of my body’s real estate into said skirt and keeping it from popping out at inopportune moments. Who needs to breathe anyway? I hear being comfortable is over-rated.

It almost makes me hope that they don’t hire me. Almost.

While watching an episode of What Not To Wear (from bed) this weekend, my heroes Clinton and Stacey once again pounded home the message YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are worth the effort of dressing well and looking nice; you are worth spending a little (or a lot of) money on; you are worth feeling confident, fashionable, and beautiful. By the end of the show the gal they were working on was believing it and living it.

How the hell do I get on that show? I could believe it too if I had $5000 to spend.

I also found the blog that my all-time favorite author, Jen Lancaster, writes. I love, love, love and adore this woman. Not in a creepy I-think-I’ll-start-stalking-her way (besides, she lives in Chicago – not very practical for me if I did decide to stalk her, which I won’t), but more in a I-want-to-imitate-practically-everything-this-woman-does way. She is the fantastic author of the books Bitter Is The New Black, Bright Lights Big Ass, Such A Pretty Fat, Pretty In Plaid, and the brand new soon to be released in May – My Fair Lazy. (And, NO, she did not pay me in any way, shape or form to list her books on my blog. I have read them all and will re-read them for the rest of my life!!!) I was reading a few past posts and she has an awesome one about plus-sized clothing websites. They. Are. Awesome. I won’t list them here as I feel that would be copying part of her post, but you can check it out at www.jennsylvania.com; check out her post on November 13, 2009 titled: You In The Size Zero Pants, Finish Your Carrot Sticks And Skip This Post. Be sure to read ALL of her stuff, because she. Is. Fabulous. Did I mention that I adore her? Yes? OK. Just checking.

So, anyway, I guess the point that I am very lamely trying to make is that: 1) I need to lose weight so I can buy awesome clothes and look awesome again, and 2) I need a job that pays well so that when I do lose weight and start buying awesome clothes, I can get some seriously kick-ass shoes to go with! ‘Nuff said.

TTFN.

Oh Goody - A Shiny New Year!

Oh joy - a brand spanking new year. I was still writing 2008 on my checks; how am I going to get used to writing 2010??? And what will we call this new year? Two thousand ten? Twenty ten? Oh ten? Just plain ten? I am leaning towards twenty ten, myself.

So Ollie came over on the first and we spent the day watching movies, laughing and just talking. We watched Orphan, The Watcher, and 100 Feet. Orphan was good and creepy; The Watcher was an older film from the 90's with Keanu Reeves and James Spader where Keanu plays a serial killer; and 100 Feet was down right hide-your-eyes-and-pee-your-pants SCARY!! We had a great time.

I made my favorite Tamale Pie casserole which I haven't made in about 10 years; it has beef, chili, corn, sliced black olives, and beef tamales all combined in it and then topped with tons of cheese and then baked in the oven and served with super cold Dos Equis and Fritos. MMMMM!! I also tried a new recipe that Sissy sent me, and it is OH SO GOOD!! It is a cream cheese blueberry coffee cake and it looked like this:
I followed Sissy's suggestion and made it with cake flour instead of regular flour, and I decided to throw some walnut halves on top that I had in the cupboard that were left over from some other recipe I had made a while ago and didn't want them to go bad. Oh. My. Goodness. This cake is super yummy and moist and full of blueberries. The cake itself is not very sweet, but the topping of sugar and cinnamon makes a sweet crust on top that complements the berries very nicely. Drop me a comment if you would like the recipe.

Well, you all try to be good this year. And as my Uncle Harry used to tell me, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do; and if you do, don't name it after me."

TTFN.

Baby, Its Cold Outside

BRRRRRR – I am telling you, I am tired of being COLD! And as well insulated as I am, if I am cold, then it is COLD! I am cold at home, cold at work; the only place that I am warm is in bed, under a super-snugly blanket my mom bought me! But, it’s really hard to make any money if you stay home from work just to stay under a snugly blanket. Drat it all. I also find it hard to get any work done at the office because I have an awesome little space heater that keeps me warm, and I don’t want to get up and leave my desk because of it! The office floor plan here is all open space with just turn-of-the-century wall radiators for heat. Seriously, they all have to be at least 80 years old – very pretty, to be sure, but not super efficient at heating all this vast open space. The copier is over by the windows, which are drafty, and I just don’t want to get up!! At least it is supposed to be 40 by Saturday; that will bring out the shorts and T-shirts for most people around here!

The count down to the move is now officially beginning with the New Year. I am so excited about going back to the West Coast; I wish I was going tomorrow. Mom has been off work since Christmas – her office closes between Christmas and New Year’s – so she has been staying out at Sissy’s place. They have gotten started on cleaning out what is to be my room and have made great progress so far. They got a whole bunch of paint swatches to test out; I would like my room to have an Asian/spa-like feel to it so we are leaning towards a nice, sage-y green color or perhaps something in the mocha latte spectrum. I have been trying to find pictures online of Asian-inspired décor but have actually been having trouble! I keep getting furniture websites, but I want to see fully decorated rooms. I am hoping to be able to buy my dream bed – a platform style that doesn’t need a box spring and sits just an inch or so off the floor. I already have several art prints that Sissy bought for me a few years ago that are Japanese, and the few pieces of furniture that I am bringing with me are dark wood, so I think they will all fit in well.

I keep thinking of all the fun things we can all do together once I am back there; trips to the bead stores, marathon garage sale shopping with mom, taking the back roads to the Coast. I have a wish list on the Powell Book Store website (a super awesome book store in downtown Portland: www.powells.com ) and have been adding books on different walks that you can take around the city. I won’t be very close to Portland like I have been in the past – Onalaska is about 80 miles north of Portland – but I hope that my life there will allow me the flexibility of going there whenever I would like. I am looking forward to the SHOPPING!!! Even grocery shopping will be better. I longed for Montana to get a Trader Joe’s out here, but I don’t think it will happen in my lifetime. Sissy and I are really going to focus on getting healthy and losing weight; she has been doing pretty well in that regard without my help, but I know I will do a lot better with her help!

The goal is to get started packing this weekend since I have a three day weekend to work with. I know that probably sounds odd, but if you knew me and my professional outlook on procrastination… I am going to start with packing up all the stuff that needs to go into storage, sorting out the stuff that can go into a massive garage sale this Spring and stuff that can be thrown out or donated. I don’t want this move to go like my move from Missoula to Billings – my mom having to come out and help me pack up my entire two bedroom apartment in four days!! THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN! I was so embarrassed by that! The move caught me a bit off guard, but I was mostly just completely overwhelmed by the whole process. Not this time.

So, please send me all the calm packing vibes you can to help me get going on this massive project. The goal date for the move is the first week of July, but it’s not written in stone by any means. It could be April for all I know. And as far as I’m concerned, the sooner the better!!

TTFN.

Did Ya Miss Me?

I haven’t been blogging** lately because I haven’t really felt like it, and sometimes I feel like all I will be doing is whining anyway and who wants to read THAT? So, here are a few things that have been going on:

1. I am so sick of hearing about Tiger Woods and his errant clubs. Does anyone really care? I mean, REALLY care? Why is this national news? Isn’t there enough real news going on to keep the media busy? Apparently not. Move on already. Sheesh.

2. We lost one of our favorite guys at work last month because he failed a random drug test. We were devastated. My company has a zero tolerance policy (which I whole-heartedly support) and he knew the minute that he got called up for it that he was going to fail it. We all wanted to hug him and break our foot off in his ass at the same time. How could he be so stupid?? Especially after he constantly told anyone who would listen that he was violently opposed to drugs. Methinks he protested too much.

3. I am still working on the bankruptcy thing; the only thing holding it up is the fact that cannot find my 2008 tax returns anywhere!! ERRRGGG.

4. I have firmly decided that the move back to the west coast is on. Unless I meet the man of my dreams or win the lottery, nothing is going to stand in the way. I told my boss and co-workers and broke the news to Ollie; everyone took it very well. They are all bummed that I am leaving (no threats of hari kari or quitting) but all are very happy for me as it is quite obvious how excited I am about being reunited with my family. I have been on my own in Montana for 10 years; I accomplished a few things and learned many more things about myself and I consider that a success. Now I just have to get the money saved up to rent the truck, etc. I have July 1 as a target date. We shall see how it goes. The plan as it stands now is to start packing away stuff that I plan on keeping but moving into storage; list some stuff on eBay with the hopes of making a little money towards the move and getting rid of some stuff I don’t need anymore; decide what goes to my new home at Karen’s and what goes to storage. I plan to have a big garage sale, probably in May, to help get rid of even more stuff. It’s amazing how much crap you accumulate – even when you’re single! Until you are confronted with the task of moving all of it, you don’t have a clue how much you’ve got. My goal is to do it all by myself without Mom having to come out at the last minute and save my bacon. Wish me luck!!

5. Still trying to lose weight. Have managed only to gain a little more. I don’t understand why I just can’t get motivated to do it, and it is SO FRUSTRATING. I have posted really horrible “before” pictures on my other blog, and if they aren’t Biggest Loser material, then I don’t know what is. Everything hurts nowadays – back, ankles, hips – getting out of bed in the morning is sheer agony these days. Shouldn’t that be motivation enough? Besides the fact that I am now diabetic because of my weight? What will it take to get this big ass in gear? Dunno, but I will continue to work on it.

Well, that’s it for now. TTFN!

** too funny; spellchecker doesn’t recognize the word “blogging”; when you click on it for options, it lists: bogging, logging, flogging, clogging, and slogging. For some reason, I find that immensely funny.

It seems so odd to me that, at 42 years of age, I am just now beginning to learn about myself: who I am, what I believe in, what I have not been allowing my self to feel, etc. Why does it take a professional to help me figure this all out? Because I haven’t been able to do it on my own, that’s why.

At my last therapy session, I learned about something called Learned Helplessness. Yep – it was a new concept to me too; you can actually learn to be helpless. And I am not talking about the damsel that is always being tied to the railroad tracks (although she could probably use counseling as well – why does she always wind up with men that tie her to train tracks? But I digress…). This is my kind of helpless; the paralyzing can’t make a decision because I am afraid to move ahead with my life kind of helpless.

This was an actual study performed years ago by leading psychologists. Two dogs were placed in two cages, side by side. Each cage was identical with a metal floor and a lever inside. At random times, the floors of both cages were simultaneously shocked with electricity (**see note below) for an uncomfortable length of time. As you can imagine, there was quite a bit of hopping and dancing around being done by the subjects as they tried to escape the shocks coming from the floor. During the course of said hopping about, dog A accidentally tripped his lever, stopping the flow of current to both cages. In short order, dog A learned that tripping this lever would always stop the scary and painful waves radiating from the floor and would immediately hit it whenever they started. Dog B, however, never learned this lesson – even though he also had a lever and it would also stop the shocks to both cages - and eventually he just gave in to depression and just lay there and endured the pain and fear, never trying to avoid it or stop it, just waiting for it to end.

Guess which dog I am?

This was a real eye opener for me. That is basically a blue print for how I live my life. I just sit still, waiting for the pain and the fear, never knowing why it comes or what to do about it when it does. Therefore, I am paralyzed with fear of living on the whole. I have just been sitting still on the sidelines of life, dealing with the depression by not dealing with it, just waiting for it all to end.

And speaking of dog illustrations, my therapist has me write essays about my feelings on certain subjects. She had me write about what I gain from staying overweight, and what I will sacrifice by loosing it. I will put that essay on my other blog if you want to check it out. But at one point I was describing my relationship with food by using the illustration of a mistreated dog; no matter how much I abuse food – ignore it, talk bad about it, kick it to the curb, neglect it – it is always there for me, waiting to be loved, wanting to please. My therapist read that part, paused to look me dead in the eye, then re-read the section substituting “I” for “it”. I was really saying how no matter how much I am ignored, talked bad about, kicked to the curb and neglected, I am always there – waiting to be loved, wanting to please, waiting, waiting, waiting to be thrown some scrap of kindness and affection, some sort of confirmation that I exist and am worthy. I burst into tears and cried and cried; it still hits me hard as I write this and the tears well up again because it is true.

I live my whole life scared to move about in it because I am afraid I will say or do something that will offend someone, somewhere. If I say this thing, will I offend someone? If I do this thing, will my family loose respect for me? That would probably be appropriate if I was planning murder or a bank robbery, or if I planned to perform sexual favors for the entire city of New York. But these are just simple everyday things that I am thinking about. When I am waiting to make a turn into traffic, I often wonder if the driver of the car behind me is angry because I am taking too long. I have entire conversations with this person in my head about how I am just trying to be careful and that I can’t go because there are too many cars coming, etc. I find that I am constantly exhausted by this line of thinking; it affects me everywhere! At work, in the grocery store, driving on the road, talking to my friends, family, strangers. Everywhere I go and everything I do is affected by this. And it isn’t just because of my weight. I think my weight is a symptom of all the other stuff, but it just adds to the CRAZY mix. I could be packaged – for enough servings of Crazy for the whole family, just add water and stir!

So I am starting to implement some new ways into my life. It is hard to turn down the crazy and look for the lever in my cage, but I am pretty sure that I know where it is now. I just have to have the strength to reach for it. It is up to me and within my power to change this, and I am determined to do it.

**NOTE: in spite of the last paragraph, I have to submit to the crazy and add this little note. In case you are wondering, no – it does not make me happy that animals are experimented on that way. I do feel it is cruel. But – having said that – I didn’t do the experiment nor did I ask for it to be done. But it is done and there is nothing I can do about it now. So chill out.

TTFN.

Just trying to hang in there

Well, I managed to sell one of my bracelets below; I sold the one with the matching earrings! Yay! Now, if only I could sell the rest of my stuff. Oh well.

It has been colder than HECK here! Normally we are in the mid 60's at this time of year; two weeks ago it was 83; for the last week and a half we can barely break 30. We've even had a couple of inches of snow!

I decided to add another blog that will mostly deal with my weight loss journey. You can find it here, and I also added it to the right side of this blog. It will have my food journals, track my weight loss, before/after pictures, etc.

Otherwise, nothing much new going on.

TTFN.

Bracelets

Not feeling so hot this weekend; had a migraine yesterday. I was able to go see my therapist, but the migraine struck in the middle of our session, so I just came home and went to bed. Today I am just taking it easy and watching football.

Here are some bracelets I made and have just listed in my eBay store; I made them a few weeks ago and just now was able to clean off my computer desk enough to get to the scanner!

Please to enjoy:

TTFN!

Never give up on the day…

Wednesday night was a bad night; I had a binge episode and the rest of the night was one huge pity party blowout, complete with the rending of garments and the gnashing of teeth. It was spectacular in its patheticness (is that a real word?). It left its mark on me the next morning as the depression was oozing from my pores and was painfully obvious to anyone who happened to glance in my general direction. I had a really hard time keeping my composure throughout the day, and my lunch hour was spent in tears, weeping, and screaming in agony at the cosmos in general. I’m sure you get the general idea.

I had been writing my post throughout the day as I usually do, trying to capture the helplessness that I had felt the night before. It was full of accusations and finger pointing, past regrets, and general “poor me” crap and “if only” scenarios. Even in my profoundly depressed state of mind, I thought it was waaaaaaay to depressing to post! Even though I write honestly, the main goal is to be encouraging at the same time; that post would not have served any purpose at all.

My point in all of this is: sometimes good things still happen, and you don’t really realize it. Now, a few of these things that happened are nothing truly outstanding in the scheme of life. But, when you group them all together and stand back and look at the entire collection as a whole, it really changed how I felt. I didn’t really even notice them at the time they were happening, but when the BIG good thing happened at the end of the day, it made it easier to see them. Kinda like one of those pictures that are all dots, and you finally focus your eyes just right and the picture that was there all along POPS out right at you!

• I was cleaning out a really old email box for an email address that I don’t even use anymore and found a recent email advertising a sequel to my all-time favorite computer game: Zuma. I had been hoping for the last several months that eventually a sequel would be made. The email was from MSN games and said that it was $19.99 to purchase, plus I would get a 40% off coupon for the next game I purchased. When I got home and went online to purchase the game, it was actually only $14.95!
• I was looking at one of my favorite online cross-stitch websites and discovered that one of the patterns I had been eyeballing was on sale – 50% off! I bought it.
• My bankruptcy attorney called me; he had gotten together, in person, with the debt management gal and decided that he would handle my bankruptcy. He kept referring to the collection agency that is not being co-operative as “those bastards over there”. Instead of charging me his standard $1800 fee, he is only charging me $500 (after first saying he would do it for $600) and he is letting me make payments to him, AND he is not going to wait until I pay him in full to file. This will stop the judgment the collection agency filed, and instead of getting their money paid in full over time, they will now get squat.
• When I got home from work, I found my Nordic walking poles that I was sure had been stolen out of my Rodeo because I couldn’t find them. I had unloaded them from the opposite side of the truck than I normally do, and they were leaning into the corner where I couldn’t see them. I had almost bought a new pair off of eBay the other day, but they didn’t have the correct height.
• I remembered to grab my checkbook and book of stamps so I could actually MAIL my rent today, on time (instead of driving across town to my icky landlord's home to drop it off).

So, when I got up today, I said – today will be an AWESOME day. Because look how bad yesterday started out, but look how good it ended!

TTFN.